lemon

if god gives you lemons then squirt him in the eye with the lemon juice. I mean what kind of asshole gives somebody lemons?

spelling aficionado

wilfred brimstone you need a spell choker for reel.

finally, a cure for constipation

mustache etiquette with wilford brimley

wilford brimley knows a thing or two about mustaches. he has been widely accredited as the inventor of the modern mustache (although burt reynolds may claim otherwise) and he continues to be heavily involved (he's fat) in the often-times politically-charged machinations of the mustache industry.

the current resurgence in gentlemen's facial hair has brimley worried. can all these newbies (or mo-bies) handle the responsibilities that come with donning a mustache? will they represent the mustache community with the class it deserves? we spoke to brimley at his home in nevada and he shared a few tips for the newly mustached:

• do not comb your mustache at the dinner table
• do twirl the corner of your mustache when you are thinking about something
• do give a polite nod to other mastachioed fellows who you pass in the street
  
• do wink at ladies who admire your mustache
• do not eat crumbs out of your mustache unless you specifically remember where those crumbs came from
• do not watch any burt reynolds movies or appreciate his mustache in any way
• do stick to the "one moustache per couple" rule (whether you are gay or straight)
• do not use your mustache as collateral for a loan
• do not ridicule your friends if they cannot grow a full and hearty mustache ... mustaches are not for everyone
• do not compare your mustache to others. all mustaches are different and each one has its own interesting personality
• do lick your your mustache periodically throughout the day. it's fun to do and it also helps your mustache glisten in the sunlight
• do give your mustache a name 

p.s., check out that picture up there. the bi-focals in wilford's glasses are angled perfectly to give him a magnified view of his own mustache at all times

Sarah Palin's Pancakes to Nowhere

there is no debate, democrats and republicans alike are casting their vote for sarah palin's "pancakes to nowhere." crispy on the outside and heavenly in the middle, these "vice pancake nominees" are easier to make than a 17-year-old country girl...

ingredients

1.5 cups of flour

a dozen eggs (important: don't waste any eggs, it's god's will) 

1 cup of breast milk

1 tablespoon of sugar

1 alaskan salmon

1 tablespoon of baking powder or baking soda shoot i can never remember which one it is 

directions

sift flour, sugar, baking x, and salmon into a bowl

slowly add milk and eggs and stir until you see jesus' face made out of bubbles

heat pan to medium-high and spoon batter onto pan

serve hot

the robot FAQ

robots:

1. can kill people in the face with their death rays
2. find it difficult to digest human foodstuffs
3. can solve mathematical equations and watch teevee at the same time
4. will "do you a solid" if you command them to
5. like to flirt but are never slutty (unless you command them to be)
6. do not aspire to be human
7. do aspire to be astronauts 
8. can do a pretty good christian slater impression (although it occasionally sounds more like the fonz)
9. cannot "sweat to the oldies"
10. dislike menial tasks like vacuuming, holepunching, and performing cpr on old people

bucket list

i finally got around to making my bucket list.

1. grill bucket


2. mop bucket


3. ice bucket



4. square bucket



5. another bucket