dirty hair

i tried to change
you
tried to change me
but you wouldn't
i couldn't.
i don't know why you care
about my dirty hair
or lack of ambition
i'm happy
and why are you such a cunt
i think that's a valid thing for me to want you not to be
but you are
and i am
so i'll apologize
and compliment your thighs
and you'll sew up that hole in my jeff gordon t-shirt
and then we'll try it all again
but
i know
you know
this is going to end

robots

robots in disguise
t-shirts
hair plugs
glasses on their eyes
incognito
"oh hey neat-o"
in your bed
giving head
by morning you'll be dead
those aren't human girls and guys
they're robots in disguise

tomorrow

there's blood
on my t-shirt
stains
that won't go away
turkey DNA
moose gizzards
mayonnaise
hot dog juice
grease
from a goose
smeared across jeff gordon's face
you can still see the 2
but the 4 isn't there anymore
it's a hole now
from that night we tipped the cow
and got snagged
on the barbed wire
and the left sleeve is singed
(remember when we set the school on fire)
reeks of sweat and beer
and stale puke
this t-shirt and me
where will we be
tomorrow

amy grant's leopard-print jacket haiku

i beat off to you

in your leopard-print jacket

your music sucks though

but

i did it anyway

typing

instead of writing i've been getting into typing lately. it's a lot like writing except you don't have to think of anything to write. you can literally copy any passage of text and just type it up. or if you know somebody who likes to say things then you can just follow them around and type up everything they say. it's great. all the fun of writing without any of the headaches.

how to succeed in life. five things you can do right now (to succeed in life)

1. do not ever admit to having diarrhea. DIARRHEA IS DISGUSTING. if you tell people all about how you were squirting liquid pies out of your eyelids then they will think you are disgusting (in fact, i'm thinking about how disgusting you are right now, gross)

2. use a lot of parentheses (they reek of intelligence) ... use them even in speech (you can do little "air" parentheses with your fingers)

3. wear shorts on days when it is a bit chilly (but not really cold). people will admire your courage.

2. big-time people whenever you get the chance

1. do confusing things ... misnumber a list ... buy eight dozen eggs at the supermarket ... subscribe to "trampoline" magazine ... wear leg warmers to a fancy restaurant ... vote republican ... tickle a stranger's fancy ... draw a picture of jesus eating a croissant -- people respect what they cannot understand

the penis doesn't play

2012 Palin Haikus

palin: twenty twelve

guns and jesus oh hooray

my dream U.S.A.