Wednesday, September 30, 2009

same sex robot radio show



we listen to the same sex robot radio show. we aren't same sex robots though. they play music that you can listen to and they have a chat session where people can call in and say things. robots i mean. last night a robot called in and said that his life partner robot had the same voice modulation chip as him so when people or robots call their house it is difficult to tell which same sex robot they are talking to. plus the one robot's name is velocity 2000 and the other robot's name is voltron 2000 so sometimes they get letters for mr. v 2000. so the one robot answered the phone one day and pretended to be the other robot and the robot on the phone was all "what are you wearing" and the robot pretender was all "i'm wearing robot trousers" and the robot on the phone said "ooh take off your robot trousers again like you did last time" and "i'm oscillating my refractor node" and then the one robot knew that his same sex robot life partner was so busted because he must have this kind of robot phone sex all the time. stupid robots.

we laugh at them. every night we listen to their stupid robot problems and we say things like stupid robots or something else. tonight we're going to call in and pretend to be same sex robots. we're going to say something about a stupid robot problem and then right at the end we'll shout out "stupid robots" and hang up. that's why humans are smarter than robots.

rent-a-bear



you can rent bears now. for birthday parties or to be in movies, etc. they come with a "handler" who tells the bears what to do. the bears are handcuffed and footcuffed until you are ready for them to do something. then the handler uncuffs them and shoves chunks of meat into their bear faces. then he yells commands like "hoi" and "butt butt butt" and the bears do whatever it is "hoi" or "butt butt butt" means.

i rented a bear. it cost $950 for the day plus i gave him a $50 tip so really it was an even thousand.

i wasn't having a birthday party i just always wanted to kick back with a bear and listen to some coltrane. it was just how i imagined it. i sat next to the bear and he didn't judge me for listening to a cassette tape instead of an LP or a CD or an MP3 he just chilled out and appreciated the music and he looked at me while i sang  "a love supreme, a love supreme, a love supreme."

after that we watched some re-runs of the fall guy and i told the handler that i wanted the bear to laugh like a "oh, come on, that's ridiculous" kind of laugh but the handler said bears can't laugh but he could wave his hand at the tv. so i told him whenever colt says something he should wave his hand at the tv and he did and it was pretty great. he'd wave and i'd laugh.

i asked the handler if the bear had ever been on tv and he said no but sandy duncan once rented him out because her house backed up onto the woods and the whole neighborhood was frightened because a wild bear had been eating dogs and cats from people's backyards so she wanted to rent a bear and pretend to kill it to make her kids feel better. it all went a bit haywire because the other bear showed up when the rent-a-bear was there and they growled at each other and then the other bear just ran away and it turned out sandy duncan's gun was loaded with real bullets and he thinks she was actually going to really kill his bear.

i told the handler that i liked the tv show bj and the bear and then i felt instantly embarrassed because that is a monkey and not a bear but the handler didn't say anything. he might be too young to know what bj and the bear is. or any which way but loose.

the bear didn't have a name. well, his name was "the bear" i guess. at the end of the day the handler put the bear back into his cage and drove him back to the forest or wherever it is that bears live when they are not being rented out.

the aliens have big penises



they descended from the skies in heart shaped metal-machines. future metal that was fleshy and rounded and comfortable. they emerged. they were aliens.

the women were athletic and small-breasted. they were good conversationalists. they were attractive. we wanted to get to know them.

the men were handsome and witty and they wore clothes that we thought would look good on us. we wanted to get to know them, too.

they were lovely.

they introduced us to music. we called it space music and it was very enjoyable. there were instruments that we didn't know about. the tunes were catchy and the lyrics were sophisticated.

they told us stories of exploration and adventure and travel. exciting stories.

they enjoyed meeting new species. they were not missionaries and they didn't want to murder us and steal our natural resources. they were friendly aliens.

they stayed.

they listened to us and helped us solve social problems and sudoku puzzles.

they danced with us.

it was really a wonderful time.

until the jealousy.

the envy.

we knew that it was wrong. but the men aliens had big penises. they liked to insert their big penises into our women. and our women liked to hold the big penises and look at them and enjoy them.

we felt inferior. our self-esteem was lost. we had normal sized penises but suddenly they felt very, very small.

we projected our self-hatred onto the men aliens. we tried to hurt them with words and fists.

the men aliens talked to the women aliens and they decided to leave us. to go onward. to seek out other experiences. they climbed into their machines and they were comfortable. they smiled and they waved and they drifted away.

our women are still angry. our self-esteem remains low.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

i don't know what you look like



i think about you a lot when i masturbate. i know, i don't actually know what you look like. i think you probably look like tracy gold. or tracy chapman. are you black? i'm black. i look like dustin hoffman. in my wank dreams your face keeps morphing into all your other faces like in that godley and creme video. for some reason i also picture you singing "do they know it's christmas" a lot. can you sing? i can't hold a tune myself but i'm pretty good on the synthesizer. i can play it like a piano or like a drum. i'm not going to tell you for sure but i might be a bit older than what i said last time. i'll keep you guessing. maybe i am or maybe i'm not. i don't think you're older than what you said. you might be fat. i hope i never meet you.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

big tits



he was wearing a superman t-shirt and he said he would buy one but only because she had big tits. she didn't think that was very super but she needed the commission because her boyfriend was a footballer and last year the other girls said that she was brave to try and bring acid wash back. she didn't think it was acid wash but they said it was and they laughed and they also all wore those giant sunglasses and loads of make-up so this year she wanted to fit in or maybe even stand out but not in a bad way. she needed a nice frock and boots and that all costs money even though her boyfriend says it doesn't matter to him if she wears acid wash. she told him it wasn't acid wash but he thought it was too but he didn't care.

she justified the sale because it wasn't her fault she had big tits and she couldn't help it if guys want to buy things from girls who have big tits. her boyfriend said he liked her tits a lot and he liked to mash them around but he wouldn't care if she had no tits and she figured he meant if she had small tits because having no tits at all would be a bit strange but actually now that she thought about it he would probably still love her even if she had no tits at all. he was a really nice guy and he would never tell a girl that he was buying something just because she had big tits.

she hoped his mates didn't give him a hard time about her. she sat with the other girls but sometimes she didn't know what to say because they would talk about the guys and who had a giant cock and who came too early and she watched the game and yelled things at the umpires.

she didn't have quite enough so she used her credit card, which is something she doesn't do except that time she bought a helicopter ride for her boyfriend because he likes helicopters a lot and she paid it off the next month. she looked in the mirror and she agreed with herself that she had done a good job and now she looked just like them except she couldn't work out how much eyeliner to put on because it was too much and then her boyfriend came in and gave her a squeeze from behind and a kiss on the neck and he told her that she looked great but he did the same thing last year so the only way she would find out is if the other girls said something nice or if they laughed again.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

the handjob blog


Hey guys, this story is now featured in the first issue of Up. Check it out!

a handjob occurs when the woman uses the hand part of her body to stroke the penis part of a man's body.

sometimes there is no woman involved. i.e., man-on-man handjob action is permissible, and for some, preferable.

handjobs were invented by a couple of dutch teenagers in 1987.

prior to 1987 couples would engage in mouth jobs, dry humping, "foot rolling," or bawdy conversation.

common terms for a handjob include handy, palm sunday, tuggie, and tom hanks.

handjobs can relieve stress, boredom, frustration, depression, and erections.

ejaculation must occur for the handjob to be considered complete.

handjobs are not restrained to the bedroom. other places they can occur include: bathroom, swimming pool,  bus, movie theater, bleachers, beach, couch, shower, classroom, bushes, conference room, nightclub, car, ferris wheel, and on horseback.

lubrication is optional for handjobs. hot sauce is not a suitable lubricant.

if it tickles, you are doing it wrong.

integration is an emerging trend in the world of handjobs. people are beginning to incorporate handjobs into their daily activities. for example, you can get a handjob while eating lunch or while attending a parent teacher conference.

if every man in china faced the same direction at the same time while receiving a handjob the resulting wave of semen would generate enough force when it splotched on the ground to temporarily speed the earth's rotation by 0.000000000000000000000014 meters per second.

handjobs are appealing to people of all ages, however interest has subsided in recent years. a poll conducted by usa today revealed that people now prefer the following things to handjobs: butterflies; cookies with m&m's in them; mandy moore; two and a half men; telling it like it is; and robots.


Saturday, September 19, 2009

the tender man and the lady who was different than the other ladies



he was a tender man, "good with the ladies" as they say. not just good with them, good for them. he understood women. he knew when to hold their hands and hug them and kiss their necks and when to nod his head and talk about love and rocking chairs and when to touch their forearms and whisper something about the smalls of their backs and nibble their ears and he also knew when to fuck them very hard in the vagina parts of their bodies. for the women he had known liked to be caressed on occasion. romanced. appreciated. and sometimes penetrated very deeply behind the dumpster in the alley.

but she was different. he did not understand her. he would try to fuck her very hard in the vagina part of her body and she would say no, cuddle me now. and he would hold her hand tenderly, as only a tender man can, and she would twist his arm behind his back and insert penis shaped objects into his buttocks. she intrigued him. she wobbled his quo. he did not like having things squeezed up into his anus but he did like the feeling of not knowing. of not understanding. it was liberating and exciting and sometimes she would give him handjobs in the movie theater.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

"Lance Bass wants to go into space!"


i did a google image search for cosmonaut because i like looking at pictures of cosmonauts and right there on results page 23 is a picture of lance bass. lance bass is an american pop singer who has always had a keen interest in space. as part of a proposed tv show lance bass completed several months of cosmonaut training in star city, russia and was certified by the russian space program. lance bass was scheduled to fly into space on the soyuz TMA-1 mission that was to be launched on october 30, 2002. the capsule was scheduled to fly to the international space station and land in a desert in kazakhstan.

but the proposed tv show fell through and the russians said that lance bass could not fly into space unless he came up with a lot of money to pay for his ticket. lance bass should not have had to pay for his own ticket because he was a certified cosmonaut. that isn't fair. however, lance bass was rejected from the program due to lack of funding. He was replaced on the flight by two russian cosmonauts and some belgian space traveling man. it took three people to replace lance bass.

even though lance bass never did get to go into space i will always respect his gumption and will consider him a cosmonaut nonetheless. next time i am looking at pictures of cosmonauts i will be sure to keep an eye out for images of lance bass in a space suit and i will say "lance bass, you are a cosmonaut."

not asleep


not asleep, awake. thinking. theories. stories. inventions. intentions. plans for things. a fish with wings, flying then dying in the air. a bear with the body of a bear and the face of another bear. too cold and too hot. giving it another shot. and then not. the sheets are tangled on my feet and maybe i'll give up cola and stop eating meat. i could read or get up or watch tv or build a robot. i could write a letter to somebody and then mail it to somebody else. or do other things that don't make any sense. erect a fence or masturbate. bake a cake or take a walk or draw a picture of a cow getting milked with an expression on her face. think about monkeys in outter space. count backwards from one or tally my money. call my friend in sweden and ask if he's swiss. fog up the mirror and draw a heart or ball up my fists and squeeze out a fart. think about the only girl i ever kissed. or make a list. oh nevermind it's morning now. or close enough, it's getting light. the end of another pointless night.

she might

i think she thought she might when she looked in the mirror that night, stripped down naked except for her socks. cut her hair with a pair of left handed scissors she found in a box. the end of an era. no more booze or pills or lies. no more vodka alone or coke through a straw. no more waking up on somebody's floor with tracks in her thighs and burnt out eyes. no more fucking for money then losing it on scratchies. hit rock bottom they said and i think she thought she had. but back in the mirror she'd peed. it was on her legs and they were too thin and she could feel herself giving in. that ugly face and the things she'd done, maybe just one more night of fun.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

songs for chico



boogers
my boogers, my boogers, my boogers
my boogers, my boogers, are mine
if you want to pick some boogers
you'd better pick your own
and leave my boogers alone
because
my boogers, my boogers, my boogers
my boogers, my boogers, are mine


robots
robots, robots
we are robots
robots don't eat
robots don't sleep
robots just play
all day

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

track changes


he did things to her that he shouldn't have done. bad things. mean things. he hurt her. on her body and in her brain. then he changed. but the things he'd done remained the same.

t-shirts

i'm going to make t-shirts, with pictures of food on them, and sell them at the market. people will buy them. there will be a picture of an item of food and then above (or below or above and below) there will be the word for that food. there will be nothing on the back. some of the t-shirts i will make are:
  • bananas
  • nuts
  • turkey
  • meat pie
  • candy
  • sausage
  • cheese
  • cake
  • ham
  • noodle
  • butter
  • ricardo montalb├ín

Monday, September 14, 2009

what mariana said


the things i want to know include:

"what mariana said"

and "when is that new sushi place going to open (it's really close to my house and i like sushi and i like walking and i saw the lady in there yesterday and she was cleaning something off the inside of the window and she waved at me and smiled. i like it when people wave at me and smile and i think she was doing it because she is a nice person and not just because she wants me to frequent her establishment but it did actually make me want to frequent her establishment so definitely one of the things i'd like to know is when is that new sushi place going to open. also, what was she cleaning off the window?)"



also, "what is the name of that one guy and his hair is kind of red or strawberry blonde or brownish and he was in this show on tv but i know i just saw him in some other show and i' guess i'd like to know the name of that other show too but mainly i want to know what that guy's name is. he has a face and he talks kind of like whob whob whob but he's not from boston."


and "how long will it take me to walk my dog up to the vet because the appointment is at eleven and i don't want to be late but if i'm early i'll have to sit there and people will ask me if my dog is friendly and i'll say yes but i'll really want to say she is mostly friendly but sometimes she flips the shit out and i don't want to make any promises because sometimes she does flip the shit out and i don't really want to deal with her flipping the shit out right there in the vet even though she probably won't but i'd rather get there right on time and not have to worry about it but i've never walked that way before and it is kind of far. i should bring some water."


and i'd quite like to know "what does it take?"


and "what would she really like for christmas but not if it's too expensive because if it's really expensive and i know what it is then i will either buy it and secretly feel a bit resentful about how much money i spent when i didn't have that much money because i don't have a lot of money or i won't buy it and i'll feel inadequate and that shit permeates."


also, "do people remember me?"


and "what is boxing day, not just what is it because i know it is the day after christmas and you get the day off work but i mean how did it start, what is it for?"


and "when does the royal show start. i haven't been to the royal show in so many years but i'm kind of psyched about it this year and i'll think i'll take my nieces and we'll ride the wild mouse or i guess i'd also like to know if they still have the wild mouse at the royal show but either way we'll get loads of show bags and eat the shit out of some lollies."


and "what does ben lee say in that one song because i've listened to it like a million times and i always sing along but i have no idea what he is saying just in that one line and it's more fun if you know what people are saying when you sing along to their songs."

the cami re-mix


you aren't going to die with violet eyes

daisy,
i had some strange today,
with two.
in a car
and in the rain.
i tried such new things.
my two, hettie and joice, were about life.
no counterpoint.
you were a palace of shit.
were you ever my favorite?
no.
did you ever want to make it to hauschka?
no.
you were gravity.
you blend in.
you were a mongo.
very straightforward.
no questions.
no scorch.
no promise.
you were the least of divisions
and you aren't going to die with violet eyes.

From ...
  1. Some strange gravity
  2. If you aren’t going to die, at least make a palace of it
  3. Mongo, Mingo, Mungos
  4. Questions About Life and Shit
  5. Scorch Atlas
  6. Hettie and Joice and Daisy
  7. Hauschka – Morgenrot
  8. If people were rain
  9. Two of my favorite things
  10. Such divisions of promise
  11. I had another post
  12. Counterpoint
  13. No violet eyes
  14. Did you ever want to make Buddha pears?
  15. A very straightforward blog post of new things to read
  16. I tried to blend in with a car today

Friday, September 11, 2009

dawn patrol

we got jackets made up. they aren't real leather or anything. real leather jackets are expensive. they look like leather but they are a bit shiny. we did the letters on the back ourselves, too. we took our jackets into michael's and it was embarrassing because charmaine from the bus stop works there and i've always had a thing for charmaine and i had to ask her how can you paint letters on leather and she looked at the jackets and i said i mean how can we paint letters on these jackets that aren't leather.

"dawn patrol," she said and i thought she was going to ask what it means and i'm glad she didn't because i'm usually the funny guy and i think charmaine likes funny guys because she used to go out with ricky rocker and he's actually about ten times way funnier than me even though i am really funny it's just that he is so funny like one of those guys who says really funny things all the time. and i didn't want to be serious or cry in front of charmaine i just wanted to find out how to paint letters on a jacket that isn't leather and then maybe another day i could be funny and she would like it and we could go see a movie or i could sit next to her on her couch and we could talk about things and people.

she didn't ask though, which was good, and she was really helpful. she got all the stuff for us and they have this section in michaels where you can do projects and activities and she took us over there and did the first one so we could see how to do it. she's really nice and when she smiles she looks at me right in my face not like other girls who smile and look away.

then we went back to my place and finished up the jackets and then we went to visit dawn and we wore the jackets and we were pretty proud of them even though they weren't real leather and we did the letters ourselves.

dawn wasn't in her room. she was down in the dungeon as she calls it getting another scan. she doesn't have any hair from the chemo and even her eyebrows are gone and that time franklin asked her about her pubes she started to cry so we don't think she has any pubes either. the doctors say she's going to die but she isn't dead yet and she's fighting it but we all sat there in her room waiting for her to get back and we talked about it and we agreed that she probably is going to die. her face is all fat and she vomits and she's sad all the time and now she's back in the hospital and we don't know exactly what's happening but they are stopping the chemo.

when dawn got back she said that we were gay because of our jackets but she hadn't seen the words on the back yet and jeremy got kind of pissy because he is actually gay and he doesn't like it when people say things are gay but he got over it. then we all stood in a line and turned around and dawn saw the letters on the back and she started to cry and we thought it was because she was so happy about it but she asked us to leave so it was kind of weird but she didn't want to talk about it so we went home and the hospital is right on the bus line so we'd come in on the bus and had to catch it back again and this guy on the bus gave us a hard time about the jackets and i was mad about it all so i told him i wanted to punch his face out and he just laughed and said something to his friends and they laughed and it made me feel pretty bad.

so the next day i went back by myself and i decided to just carry the jacket instead of wearing it. dawn was okay but she said she was constipated and she pressed the button thing a few times while i was there and i think it was the one that helps with pain. i explained about the jackets and told her that we wanted to be the "dawn patrol" like her own personal people who could do things for her and she asked me if i was going to give her an enema and i don't know if she was serious about it and then she said it made her even sadder to see us being the dawn patrol because she wanted us to go out and do fun things and tell her about it instead of doing sick people things because then we would resent her and i told her no way and i don't really know why she was so upset about it.

i told dawn how hard we worked on the jackets and she said i should ask charmaine out sometime and i said i would. and then i asked her if we could still wear the jackets and she said yes but on one condition and i said oh no because she always puts conditions on things and it's usually something pretty annoying. what is it i said and she said that we could only wear the jackets if everytime somebody asked us what it was about we had to say exactly "there's this girl called dawn and every guy she fucks she gives them a leather jacket with dawn patrol on it." i told her they aren't really leather but i would say it.

so i wore my jacket on the bus on the way home and this other guy, i don't know why guys on the bus always pick on me but they do, so this guy called me a faggot and i told him my friend is gay and he said that proves i'm a faggot and he said why was my jacket so faggot. i got upset about it and i wanted to tell him that my friend dawn has cancer and she's dying and i made the jacket because i don't know what else to do and i want to help her but i tried thinking of things and this is all i could come up with and i know she doesn't want to die because she told me but i'm pretty sure she is gong to die and we've been friends since forever and why did she have to get cancer and die because she's a really nice kid even though sometimes she is sarcastic but she's never mean.

but instead of all that i said "there's this girl called dawn and every guy she fucks she gives them a leather jacket with dawn patrol on it" and the guy said that isn't a leather jacket and then i started to cry right there on the bus and then the bus stopped and charmaine got on. she came over and sat next to me and i cried all the way to my stop and then i got off and charmaine looked out the window and tilted her head a little bit and she smiled at me.

so today i'm going back in to visit dawn and i'm going to tell her all about it.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

by the numbers

one eight one. two eight one. three eight one four four. five eight one. six eight one. seven eight one four eight. nine eight one two.

how to lose 100 pounds in 24 hours

stop being so fat and disgusting! it's easier than ever with the "how to lose 100 pounds in 24 hours" diet. follow these simple instructions and you'll be squeezing those ham legs of yours into your skinny jeans in no time. or in 24 hours actually.
  1. eat absolutely anything you want (except food). i know, this sounds too good to be true but it really works. even though eating everything you want (except for food) sounds great, the truth is most things that are not food are very hard to eat (due to their size or taste or general durability). you'll find yourself not even wanting to eat things that are not food.

  2. stop brushing your teeth! toothpaste is loaded with hidden calories.

  3. stop hating on "fad" diets. the tv news has it in for fad diets but let's face it, fads are usually pretty cool ... remember leg warmers? so why would fads be bad all of a sudden just because they are helping you to be not so fat and disgusting

  4. think positive! this is the key to losing weight. use positive affirmations like "maybe i won't be so fat and disgusting if i lose loads of weight" or "i am so fat and disgusting, i need to lose about 100 pounds"

  5. visualize. athletes use this technique all the time and it can really work when trying to shed those pounds. picture yourself balling up a pizza and squeezing it into the middle of a donut and then eating it.

  6. stop trying to figure out why you eat so much. it really doesn't matter if you eat because you are lonely, or if you eat when you are stressed or tired, or if you use food as a replacement for love. don't waste time fixing the underlying cause ... just stop being so fat and disgusting.

  7. get your body moving! diet is only half the equation. if you really want to lose weight you need to get your body into motion. don't waste energy on exercise though ... all you need to do is get the molecules inside your body into motion, and you can do that with a long car ride. or even better, take a flight somewhere. if you are really poor in addition to being fat and disgusting then you can just roll about in your bed.

  8. make friends with people who are even fatter and more disgusting than you. weight is relative.

  9. replace fatty snacks with anger. instead of reaching for that chocolate bar try socking somebody in the guts. it will release the same level of serotonin into your brain so you will feel equally satisfied.

  10. just stop being so fat and disgusting!
good luck everybody! be sure to come back here to share your success stories.

try this at home


next time you have a few extra minutes on your hands, try this fun "try this at home" activity:
  1. go up to someone (a friend or a stranger, it's your choice!)

  2. say "you are kind"

  3. wait for the selected person to say "thank you"

  4. then say "kind of an asshole"

  5. punch the person in the face

  6. walk away
stay tuned for more fun "try this at home" activities.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

right now



he's known as a bad person locally. he calls people fucking cunts and tells his kids they belong in a garbage can. he refers to his wife's breasts as teats. he cheats. beats off at the beach. he borrows money from his brother and gambles it away on the ponies. taunts the retarded boy who works down at shoney's. flips people off when he's driving his car. he won't fix the gate. drinks too much, shows up late. wears dirty shirts and laughs when it hurts. he stole a pair of bowling shoes and still wears them back to the alley. doesn't feed his dog and never scratches her belly.

but this thing they say that he did, he didn't do. i was there from eleven until a quarter to two and he was there (with you know who). i saw what happened and i won't say who it was but it wasn't him. sure, he's lied in the past. a million times, probably. more. and believe me it shocks me to the core but i know what's not and what is true and between me and you, his words are bona fide authentic. not pretty but legitimate. every other day of his life has been lived without veracity, but i'm telling you this as a definite statement of fact. this one time, without a doubt, when he opened his mouth the truth flowed out. don't ask me why or how, wrong so many times before, he's right now.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

too wide thighs




he doesn't like girls with tattoos. or high heel shoes. or girls who draw their eyebrows in with a pen. he doesn't like girls who don't do it right, girls with cellulite, or girls who critizise. too wide thighs. too short, girls who don't make their own money. girls who think they're funny. who expect him to dance. girls who move to france or girls who never take a stance. girls with fake boobs, girls with moustaches. ambitious girls. girls with psoriasis or girls who don't know what tired is. he doesn't like girls who want things or girls who cut their hair off. girls who drink, girls who spoon. girls who want to get married a little too soon. and he doesn't like girls who judge him.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

phptographs of james spader in a white sports coat




i collect things. not just things. photographs. photographs of james spader in a sports coat. and not just a sports coat. a white sports coat. it is a very specific hobby. an obsession. i started collecting the same year that pretty in pink came out. i saw the movie and i wanted to be james spader in a white sports coat. i tried feathering my hair and leaning against cars but i couldn't pull it off. i was more like andrew mccarthy's even gayer brother. so i started collecting.

on sundays i drive around strange neighbourhoods looking for garage sales with boxes or stacks of magazines for sale. i buy them. i read them and with every turn of the page i anticipate. that feeling i will get if a james spader in a white sports coat appears. it will be euphoric.

i don't have a big collection. in fact i only have one photograph. it is a photograph of james spader in a white sports coat. i keep it in an album. on the front of the album it says "james spader in a white sports coat." i have pasted the photograph in the album and glued some sparklies around it. it looks nice. i look at it.

for my birthday last year my wife bought me a white sports coat. it isn't a photograph of james spader in a white sports coat. it is an actual white sports coat. i don't like it.

Friday, September 04, 2009

robots in rowboats

i saw a guy on tv. he claimed that he never masturbated. had never masturbated. in his life. he didn't need to because he always had a lady friend who could "take care of business" for him. i had masturbated. in fact i masturbated as i watched the tv, thinking about all of those ladies taking care of the man's business. except i was the man. then i ejaculated my last 10cc's of self respect all over the tv. it landed on the man's face.

so i wrote a letter to my local newspaper. it was an advice column and i needed advice. they edited out the part about me jizzing on the telly. their advice was to join a taekwondo class. you get to wear outfits, which they said would make me feel proud of myself. And they said lots of women take taekwondo class because they don't want to get raped. they said women who don't want to get raped are pretty good sorts on the whole.

so that's where we met. we had things in common. she didn't want to get raped and i didn't want to rape her.

i didn't kick her in the face because she had a nice face. but i did tumble with her. i slammed her on the ground. that's what you do in taekwondo. you slam each other on the ground. but we didn't get together. WE NEVER GOT TOGETHER. we did get together once. we didn't get together. we kissed. i also squeezed her buttocks with my hand. her butt. how do you say it when you want it to sound as rock hard sexy as it was. buttocks. butt. i liked it. we liked it together.

then i went home and masturbated. i was wearing my outfit and i didn't feel ashamed.


Thursday, September 03, 2009

instructions for everything

if you have something that is broken, then these instructions can help you FIX IT. it doesn't matter what is broken . . . a TV, a relationship, a promise . . . because these are the INSTRUCTIONS FOR EVERYTHING.
  1. power everything down

  2. unplug and disconnect the modem

  3. open the modem (some of them are not designed to be opened so you may need a hammer or strong teeth and agile wrists)

  4. make sure the yellow urntz cable is connected to the hip socket

  5. jostle the replicator drive

  6. flip the jump switch

  7. switch the flip jump

  8. adjust the loop speed

  9. set the kink limits to 1200 and 56000 respectively

  10. make a sandwich

  11. close the modem (use duct tape if the casing is cracked or put it all in an empty bread bag if the casing is obliterated)

  12. eat your sandwich

  13. draw a picture of howie mandell waterskiing in the nude

  14. call your best friend and tell him/her that your new best friend is a picture of howie mandell waterskiing in the nude

  15. power everything up (PC>router>modem)

  16. go to a DOS prompt and ping the bounce node

  17. type: 10 print “i’ve got a boner” 20 goto 10 run

  18. tell it like it is

  19. dig a hole in your back yard and bury the picture of howie mandell waterskiing in the nude

  20. call your best friend back and say "gotcha"

  21. exit DOS

  22. go to http://www.mechanicallyseparatedpork.com and download the N35V2a1 driver

  23. try and remember if you have any coke in the fridge. if you don’t, think about how great it would be to have a coke right now

  24. set your network hover rate to 9.6 baud

  25. change your screen refresh rate to something different than what it is now

  26. divide everything by 12

  27. give up

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

reading

i can look at people in their faces and understand "where they're coming from." when they talk i can "read between the lines." for example, there's a girl and she sits down and i like her. she says "i want to eat your pizza" and i am eating a pizza and it's delicious because it has pineapple on it and i'm going to eat three pieces even though i'm only supposed to eat two but what she really means is she would like to "get together" sometime.

and there's a lady at work who calls me a "fucking hole digger" and then she follows that with "i want to murder you." i can tell that she does want to murder me.

and the bus driver. there's a little girl and she's cute and her dad is bustling her onto the bus and the bus driver doesn't acknowledge how cute the little girl is or how bustly her dad is. i can see in his squashed up bus driver face that he doesn't want to be a bus driver any more. and then the bus doesn't stop at the stop and instead stops at the next stop and there is a lady who gets off the bus and she tries to make eye contact with a girl who also gets off the bus but she doesn't say anything. i can tell that she is "miffed" because now she has to walk back to the other stop where she wanted to get off.

now it's raining and two ladies come out of a door and one lady offers her umbrella to the other lady because the other lady has to walk and the first lady has a car. the second lady says "oh, no, no" and "i'll just run." i can tell that the first lady doesn't want to give the second lady a ride home in her car. The second lady is "right up my alley". I would quite like to "eat her pizza."

it works on the phone too because i call my friend johnson and say "hey" and he says "hey" but i can tell that he doesn't want to chat. I say "let's eat at vietnamese" and he says "that doesn't make sense you should say let's eat vietnamese or let's eat at insert name of vietnamese restaurant here and not let's eat at vietnamese" and i say "you know the name of the vietnamese restaurant" and he says "that's not the point" and i say "well why did you say insert the name of the vietnamese restaurant here when you know it is called viet nosh" and then he says he "has to go" and i can tell that he does not want to eat at vietnamese with me.

i won't go on but i could. i can do it with literally every single person i meet.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

this t-shirt is ironic

(read to the tune of "this beat is technotronic")

Now when I'm down at the beach, tanned
I reach for my t-shirt and
nothing, somebody's stolen it
someone's gonna get a swollen lip
but yo, i got it planned, I demand
A new t-shirt to rock the home joint
With a retro look that has no point
Yo, so hip it will hurt, too
I'll explain the style of the shirt, yo

This t-shirt, this t-shirt
This t-shirt is ironic
This t-shirt is ironic

And the guy at the market's got a t-shirt
He's a bit of a cunt
But he knows i like t-shirts with shit written on the front
So I give the order of what I want
He don't wanna get sacked so he
Pulls out a t-shirt from the back door
Says it will get the party goin' on the dance floor
And that's where the party's at
And I'll find out if I wear that
So I rock that t-shirt steady
Like a rock and I won't stop
Till it goes yellow in the pit
Or suckers spill ketchup on it
But yo, when they do that it really sucks, coz
This t-shirt cost sevent five bucks

This t-shirt, this t-shirt
This t-shirt is ironic
This t-shirt is ironic
This t-shirt is ironic
This t-shirt, this t-shirt
This t-shirt is ironic
This t-shirt is ironic
There's the dance floor, get on it

Now when I'm down on the beach sand
All the ladies like my t-shirt and
I'm the man
To make you understand
How this is planned, I demand
A new t-shirt to rock the home joint
With a retro look that has no point
Yo, so hip it will hurt, too
I'll explain the style of the shirt, hah

This t-shirt, this t-shirt
This t-shirt is ironic
This t-shirt is ironic
This t-shirt is ironic
This t-shirt, this t-shirt
This t-shirt is ironic
This t-shirt is ironic
There's the dance floor, get on it
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