dirty hair

i tried to change
you
tried to change me
but you wouldn't
i couldn't.
i don't know why you care
about my dirty hair
or lack of ambition
i'm happy
and why are you such a cunt
i think that's a valid thing for me to want you not to be
but you are
and i am
so i'll apologize
and compliment your thighs
and you'll sew up that hole in my jeff gordon t-shirt
and then we'll try it all again
but
i know
you know
this is going to end

robots

robots in disguise
t-shirts
hair plugs
glasses on their eyes
incognito
"oh hey neat-o"
in your bed
giving head
by morning you'll be dead
those aren't human girls and guys
they're robots in disguise

tomorrow

there's blood
on my t-shirt
stains
that won't go away
turkey DNA
moose gizzards
mayonnaise
hot dog juice
grease
from a goose
smeared across jeff gordon's face
you can still see the 2
but the 4 isn't there anymore
it's a hole now
from that night we tipped the cow
and got snagged
on the barbed wire
and the left sleeve is singed
(remember when we set the school on fire)
reeks of sweat and beer
and stale puke
this t-shirt and me
where will we be
tomorrow

amy grant's leopard-print jacket haiku

i beat off to you

in your leopard-print jacket

your music sucks though

but

i did it anyway

typing

instead of writing i've been getting into typing lately. it's a lot like writing except you don't have to think of anything to write. you can literally copy any passage of text and just type it up. or if you know somebody who likes to say things then you can just follow them around and type up everything they say. it's great. all the fun of writing without any of the headaches.

2012 Palin Haikus

palin: twenty twelve

guns and jesus oh hooray

my dream U.S.A.

help

she needs help. but not from you.

lemon

if god gives you lemons then squirt him in the eye with the lemon juice. I mean what kind of asshole gives somebody lemons?

spelling aficionado

wilfred brimstone you need a spell choker for reel.

mustache etiquette with wilford brimley

wilford brimley knows a thing or two about mustaches. he has been widely accredited as the inventor of the modern mustache (although burt reynolds may claim otherwise) and he continues to be heavily involved (he's fat) in the often-times politically-charged machinations of the mustache industry.

the current resurgence in gentlemen's facial hair has brimley worried. can all these newbies (or mo-bies) handle the responsibilities that come with donning a mustache? will they represent the mustache community with the class it deserves? we spoke to brimley at his home in nevada and he shared a few tips for the newly mustached:

• do not comb your mustache at the dinner table
• do twirl the corner of your mustache when you are thinking about something
• do give a polite nod to other mastachioed fellows who you pass in the street
  
• do wink at ladies who admire your mustache
• do not eat crumbs out of your mustache unless you specifically remember where those crumbs came from
• do not watch any burt reynolds movies or appreciate his mustache in any way
• do stick to the "one moustache per couple" rule (whether you are gay or straight)
• do not use your mustache as collateral for a loan
• do not ridicule your friends if they cannot grow a full and hearty mustache ... mustaches are not for everyone
• do not compare your mustache to others. all mustaches are different and each one has its own interesting personality
• do lick your your mustache periodically throughout the day. it's fun to do and it also helps your mustache glisten in the sunlight
• do give your mustache a name 

p.s., check out that picture up there. the bi-focals in wilford's glasses are angled perfectly to give him a magnified view of his own mustache at all times

Sarah Palin's Pancakes to Nowhere

there is no debate, democrats and republicans alike are casting their vote for sarah palin's "pancakes to nowhere." crispy on the outside and heavenly in the middle, these "vice pancake nominees" are easier to make than a 17-year-old country girl...

ingredients

1.5 cups of flour

a dozen eggs (important: don't waste any eggs, it's god's will) 

1 cup of breast milk

1 tablespoon of sugar

1 alaskan salmon

1 tablespoon of baking powder or baking soda shoot i can never remember which one it is 

directions

sift flour, sugar, baking x, and salmon into a bowl

slowly add milk and eggs and stir until you see jesus' face made out of bubbles

heat pan to medium-high and spoon batter onto pan

serve hot

the robot FAQ

robots:

1. can kill people in the face with their death rays
2. find it difficult to digest human foodstuffs
3. can solve mathematical equations and watch teevee at the same time
4. will "do you a solid" if you command them to
5. like to flirt but are never slutty (unless you command them to be)
6. do not aspire to be human
7. do aspire to be astronauts 
8. can do a pretty good christian slater impression (although it occasionally sounds more like the fonz)
9. cannot "sweat to the oldies"
10. dislike menial tasks like vacuuming, holepunching, and performing cpr on old people

bucket list

i finally got around to making my bucket list.

1. grill bucket


2. mop bucket


3. ice bucket



4. square bucket



5. another bucket

(a quiz)

FIND OUT IF YOUR THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO HATES IT WHEN PEOPLE USE APOSTROPHE'S INCORRECTLY

(don't worry, its quick and easy)

1. are you the type of person who hates things? (yes/no)
   
2. do you hate it when people use apostrophe's incorrectly (yes/no)
   
3. whats an apostrophe? (essay)
   
4. some apostrophe's are okay but i can't stand contractions (rate 1-5 where 5 is about a 5 and 1 is about a 1)
   
5. mexicans invented the upside down iexclamation! point/well not really because its just like a little i (either/or)
   
6. i know this one guy who pronounces punctation like "punchuation" (his name is richard if that helps)
   
7. if you saw a japenese kid wearing a t-shirt that said "thats a bang" would you say "what's a bang?" or "for fuck's sake there should be an apostrophe right there between the t and the s and p.s., what the fuck is a bang and why is your t-shirt telling me about it without an apostrophe right there between the t and the s" (yes/no)
   

Okay, if you scored between 7 and 10 then you ARE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO HATES IT WHEN PEOPLE USE APOSTROPHE'S INCORRECTLY!

stay tuned for tomorrow's quiz: is jeff foxworthy?

can you canoe?

let us do haiku
mullholland drive compared to
bringing down the house

naomi boobies
or sassy queen latifa
damn, too close to call

If Jesus Got the Measels

If Jesus was a catholic boy
would he have to wear a tie
would he show up to class
as high as a kite

if he got caught smoking
would he get 500 lines
or get off on a technicality
because he was Jesus Christ

would he have to cut his hair
and tuck in his shirt
would he stay out on the field
and play when he was hurt

would jesus be a suck up
and ace every test
would the girls suck his pecker
knowing that it was blessed

would jesus be popular
or would he start his own clique
would he be a decent guy
or another total dick

if jesus was a catholic boy
would he even bother to pray
and with no lepers around
what would he do all day

does jesus have hobbies
besides turning water into wine
like can that dirty bastard
make an ugly chick fine

when jesus dates a girl
does he bring a dozen roses
does he jump on the hot one
and stick the ugly one with moses

i don't think jesus is a catholic boy
come on think it through
with all those magic powers
what would jesus really do

i think he'd be in hip-hop
or some other crazy scene
fuck going to catholic school
where the nuns are really mean

he'd be making videos
and partying til the break of dawn
and all those god-damned apostles
would be passed out on his lawn

No way he'd be a catholic boy
at least that's what i think
WWJD
what would jesus drink

sunshine

splayed in sunshine
like a girl in a field
i'm in love with the sun
and the girl in the field
don't need my key
outside alone
shorts and a t-shirt
never going home
just me and the girl
in the field and the sun
alone together
never going home
no shoes and the grass
no phone and no past
blue sky sunshine
me and the girl
in the field and the sun