and so it goes

she came
all high
and mighty in her mind
in a daze
not fitting in
and dismissing our ways
wearing ugg boots
and a t-shirt from the olden days
1995
who was she
to judge me
and my friends and the things we wear
not that i care
about a girl with fucked up hair
she's gone now
back i guess
to the land of boys with tattoos of girls in thongs
where she belongs
where they sing karaoke to bon jovi songs
smoking pipes instead of bongs
where did she go
though
really it wasn't so bad having her around
different way of thinking
feet on the ground
i miss that sparkle in her eye and the way her hair would fly 
when she rode her bike without a helmet
dammit
not good enough for us
i suppose
but better too
and so it goes

my t-shirt

my t-shirt has a collar
two sleeves
the main bit
and an opening at the bottom
the opening at the bottom doesn't really have a name
so i just call it the opening at the bottom
oh and the main bit has a picture on the front
it is a picture of rob lowe playing the saxophone
and on the back of the t-shirt it says "it ain't a party till something gets broken"
which is my favorite part of the t-shirt
only i kind of wish it was on the front under the picture of rob lowe playing the saxophone
but i guess there wasn't room
and there's a little round hole just above the opening at the bottom
i tell people that it's a cigarette burn but as far as i know it's just a moth hole
is that a thing? a moth hole?
what i mean is that a moth chewed a hole in my t-shirt and it looks a little bit like a cigarette burn

why don't robots have any hair

it isn't fair
to build men without any hair
you give them arms and legs
and square headed robot faces
eyeballs
elbows
attitude
it's rude
poor bald bodied robots
no beard
or pubes
or hair in any of the usual places
next time gut a bear
then stuff your artificial intelligence and microchips
in there
bearbots

tomorrow

there's blood
on my t-shirt
stains
that won't go away
turkey DNA
moose gizzards
mayonnaise
hot dog juice
grease
from a goose
smeared across jeff gordon's face
you can still see the 2
but the 4 isn't there anymore
it's a hole now
from that night we tipped the cow
and got snagged
on the barbed wire
and the left sleeve is singed
(remember when we set the school on fire)
reeks of sweat and beer
and stale puke
this t-shirt and me
where will we be
tomorrow

mustache etiquette with wilford brimley

wilford brimley knows a thing or two about mustaches. he has been widely accredited as the inventor of the modern mustache (although burt reynolds may claim otherwise) and he continues to be heavily involved (he's fat) in the often-times politically-charged machinations of the mustache industry.

the current resurgence in gentlemen's facial hair has brimley worried. can all these newbies (or mo-bies) handle the responsibilities that come with donning a mustache? will they represent the mustache community with the class it deserves? we spoke to brimley at his home in nevada and he shared a few tips for the newly mustached:

• do not comb your mustache at the dinner table
• do twirl the corner of your mustache when you are thinking about something
• do give a polite nod to other mastachioed fellows who you pass in the street
  
• do wink at ladies who admire your mustache
• do not eat crumbs out of your mustache unless you specifically remember where those crumbs came from
• do not watch any burt reynolds movies or appreciate his mustache in any way
• do stick to the "one moustache per couple" rule (whether you are gay or straight)
• do not use your mustache as collateral for a loan
• do not ridicule your friends if they cannot grow a full and hearty mustache ... mustaches are not for everyone
• do not compare your mustache to others. all mustaches are different and each one has its own interesting personality
• do lick your your mustache periodically throughout the day. it's fun to do and it also helps your mustache glisten in the sunlight
• do give your mustache a name 

p.s., check out that picture up there. the bi-focals in wilford's glasses are angled perfectly to give him a magnified view of his own mustache at all times

Sarah Palin's Pancakes to Nowhere

there is no debate, democrats and republicans alike are casting their vote for sarah palin's "pancakes to nowhere." crispy on the outside and heavenly in the middle, these "vice pancake nominees" are easier to make than a 17-year-old country girl...

ingredients

1.5 cups of flour

a dozen eggs (important: don't waste any eggs, it's god's will) 

1 cup of breast milk

1 tablespoon of sugar

1 alaskan salmon

1 tablespoon of baking powder or baking soda shoot i can never remember which one it is 

directions

sift flour, sugar, baking x, and salmon into a bowl

slowly add milk and eggs and stir until you see jesus' face made out of bubbles

heat pan to medium-high and spoon batter onto pan

serve hot

the robot FAQ

robots:

1. can kill people in the face with their death rays
2. find it difficult to digest human foodstuffs
3. can solve mathematical equations and watch teevee at the same time
4. will "do you a solid" if you command them to
5. like to flirt but are never slutty (unless you command them to be)
6. do not aspire to be human
7. do aspire to be astronauts 
8. can do a pretty good christian slater impression (although it occasionally sounds more like the fonz)
9. cannot "sweat to the oldies"
10. dislike menial tasks like vacuuming, holepunching, and performing cpr on old people

bucket list

i finally got around to making my bucket list.

1. grill bucket


2. mop bucket


3. ice bucket



4. square bucket



5. another bucket

(a quiz)

FIND OUT IF YOUR THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO HATES IT WHEN PEOPLE USE APOSTROPHE'S INCORRECTLY

(don't worry, its quick and easy)

1. are you the type of person who hates things? (yes/no)
   
2. do you hate it when people use apostrophe's incorrectly (yes/no)
   
3. whats an apostrophe? (essay)
   
4. some apostrophe's are okay but i can't stand contractions (rate 1-5 where 5 is about a 5 and 1 is about a 1)
   
5. mexicans invented the upside down iexclamation! point/well not really because its just like a little i (either/or)
   
6. i know this one guy who pronounces punctation like "punchuation" (his name is richard if that helps)
   
7. if you saw a japenese kid wearing a t-shirt that said "thats a bang" would you say "what's a bang?" or "for fuck's sake there should be an apostrophe right there between the t and the s and p.s., what the fuck is a bang and why is your t-shirt telling me about it without an apostrophe right there between the t and the s" (yes/no)
   

Okay, if you scored between 7 and 10 then you ARE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO HATES IT WHEN PEOPLE USE APOSTROPHE'S INCORRECTLY!

stay tuned for tomorrow's quiz: is jeff foxworthy?

sunshine

splayed in sunshine
like a girl in a field
i'm in love with the sun
and the girl in the field
don't need my key
outside alone
shorts and a t-shirt
never going home
just me and the girl
in the field and the sun
alone together
never going home
no shoes and the grass
no phone and no past
blue sky sunshine
me and the girl
in the field and the sun

because of a movie

i'm alone now because of a movie i saw the things i was supposed to do. she saw them too. in bed together it was sweet and i whispered the things that i whispered the night before. the movie changed it all.