but

i did it anyway

typing

instead of writing i've been getting into typing lately. it's a lot like writing except you don't have to think of anything to write. you can literally copy any passage of text and just type it up. or if you know somebody who likes to say things then you can just follow them around and type up everything they say. it's great. all the fun of writing without any of the headaches.

2012 Palin Haikus

palin: twenty twelve

guns and jesus oh hooray

my dream U.S.A.

help

she needs help. but not from you.

lemon

if god gives you lemons then squirt him in the eye with the lemon juice. I mean what kind of asshole gives somebody lemons?

spelling aficionado

wilfred brimstone you need a spell choker for reel.

mustache etiquette with wilford brimley

wilford brimley knows a thing or two about mustaches. he has been widely accredited as the inventor of the modern mustache (although burt reynolds may claim otherwise) and he continues to be heavily involved (he's fat) in the often-times politically-charged machinations of the mustache industry.

the current resurgence in gentlemen's facial hair has brimley worried. can all these newbies (or mo-bies) handle the responsibilities that come with donning a mustache? will they represent the mustache community with the class it deserves? we spoke to brimley at his home in nevada and he shared a few tips for the newly mustached:

• do not comb your mustache at the dinner table
• do twirl the corner of your mustache when you are thinking about something
• do give a polite nod to other mastachioed fellows who you pass in the street
  
• do wink at ladies who admire your mustache
• do not eat crumbs out of your mustache unless you specifically remember where those crumbs came from
• do not watch any burt reynolds movies or appreciate his mustache in any way
• do stick to the "one moustache per couple" rule (whether you are gay or straight)
• do not use your mustache as collateral for a loan
• do not ridicule your friends if they cannot grow a full and hearty mustache ... mustaches are not for everyone
• do not compare your mustache to others. all mustaches are different and each one has its own interesting personality
• do lick your your mustache periodically throughout the day. it's fun to do and it also helps your mustache glisten in the sunlight
• do give your mustache a name 

p.s., check out that picture up there. the bi-focals in wilford's glasses are angled perfectly to give him a magnified view of his own mustache at all times

Sarah Palin's Pancakes to Nowhere

there is no debate, democrats and republicans alike are casting their vote for sarah palin's "pancakes to nowhere." crispy on the outside and heavenly in the middle, these "vice pancake nominees" are easier to make than a 17-year-old country girl...

ingredients

1.5 cups of flour

a dozen eggs (important: don't waste any eggs, it's god's will) 

1 cup of breast milk

1 tablespoon of sugar

1 alaskan salmon

1 tablespoon of baking powder or baking soda shoot i can never remember which one it is 

directions

sift flour, sugar, baking x, and salmon into a bowl

slowly add milk and eggs and stir until you see jesus' face made out of bubbles

heat pan to medium-high and spoon batter onto pan

serve hot

the robot FAQ

robots:

1. can kill people in the face with their death rays
2. find it difficult to digest human foodstuffs
3. can solve mathematical equations and watch teevee at the same time
4. will "do you a solid" if you command them to
5. like to flirt but are never slutty (unless you command them to be)
6. do not aspire to be human
7. do aspire to be astronauts 
8. can do a pretty good christian slater impression (although it occasionally sounds more like the fonz)
9. cannot "sweat to the oldies"
10. dislike menial tasks like vacuuming, holepunching, and performing cpr on old people

bucket list

i finally got around to making my bucket list.

1. grill bucket


2. mop bucket


3. ice bucket



4. square bucket



5. another bucket

(a quiz)

FIND OUT IF YOUR THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO HATES IT WHEN PEOPLE USE APOSTROPHE'S INCORRECTLY

(don't worry, its quick and easy)

1. are you the type of person who hates things? (yes/no)
   
2. do you hate it when people use apostrophe's incorrectly (yes/no)
   
3. whats an apostrophe? (essay)
   
4. some apostrophe's are okay but i can't stand contractions (rate 1-5 where 5 is about a 5 and 1 is about a 1)
   
5. mexicans invented the upside down iexclamation! point/well not really because its just like a little i (either/or)
   
6. i know this one guy who pronounces punctation like "punchuation" (his name is richard if that helps)
   
7. if you saw a japenese kid wearing a t-shirt that said "thats a bang" would you say "what's a bang?" or "for fuck's sake there should be an apostrophe right there between the t and the s and p.s., what the fuck is a bang and why is your t-shirt telling me about it without an apostrophe right there between the t and the s" (yes/no)
   

Okay, if you scored between 7 and 10 then you ARE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO HATES IT WHEN PEOPLE USE APOSTROPHE'S INCORRECTLY!

stay tuned for tomorrow's quiz: is jeff foxworthy?

can you canoe?

let us do haiku
mullholland drive compared to
bringing down the house

naomi boobies
or sassy queen latifa
damn, too close to call

If Jesus Got the Measels

If Jesus was a catholic boy
would he have to wear a tie
would he show up to class
as high as a kite

if he got caught smoking
would he get 500 lines
or get off on a technicality
because he was Jesus Christ

would he have to cut his hair
and tuck in his shirt
would he stay out on the field
and play when he was hurt

would jesus be a suck up
and ace every test
would the girls suck his pecker
knowing that it was blessed

would jesus be popular
or would he start his own clique
would he be a decent guy
or another total dick

if jesus was a catholic boy
would he even bother to pray
and with no lepers around
what would he do all day

does jesus have hobbies
besides turning water into wine
like can that dirty bastard
make an ugly chick fine

when jesus dates a girl
does he bring a dozen roses
does he jump on the hot one
and stick the ugly one with moses

i don't think jesus is a catholic boy
come on think it through
with all those magic powers
what would jesus really do

i think he'd be in hip-hop
or some other crazy scene
fuck going to catholic school
where the nuns are really mean

he'd be making videos
and partying til the break of dawn
and all those god-damned apostles
would be passed out on his lawn

No way he'd be a catholic boy
at least that's what i think
WWJD
what would jesus drink

sunshine

splayed in sunshine
like a girl in a field
i'm in love with the sun
and the girl in the field
don't need my key
outside alone
shorts and a t-shirt
never going home
just me and the girl
in the field and the sun
alone together
never going home
no shoes and the grass
no phone and no past
blue sky sunshine
me and the girl
in the field and the sun

because of a movie

i'm alone now because of a movie i saw the things i was supposed to do. she saw them too. in bed together it was sweet and i whispered the things that i whispered the night before. the movie changed it all.

speaking of underpants

have you noticed that every single pair of underpants is made in china?

come on. you don't think they laugh at us when they're making our underpants. they sit there in the underpants factory and laugh. they hold up our giant underpants and wave them around in the air. laughing at how fat we are. i'm sure of it. they laugh at how funny our underpants look to them. and then they pack them up and wrap them in plastic.

summer socks for men

Everybody loves socks! But sometimes it's just too darn hot. Especially in the summertime when soaring temperatures can make wearing socks feel more like baking a turkey in your shoes.

Problem solved! Now, for fashionable sock loving but temperature sensitive men there's Summer Socks for Men!

They look just like regular socks but hiding just under the surface there's a micro-thin layer of dry ice. Finally, cool feet in the summertime (and no feminine looking sandals in sight, boys!).

Special bonus: for absolutely no additional cost you can wow the ladies with the wafts of smoke that eminate from your shoes!

Thanks to our innovative Isockle® Extendawear technology, Summer Socks for Men can be enjoyed for over 6 hours before a dry ice refill is needed.

Some mice developed terminal cervical cancer in clinical tests, but no sweat, you won't be wearing your Summer Socks for Men in a testing environment and most men don't have a cervix anyway so there's probably no need to worry!

Summer Socks for Men and related accessories are now available at your local sock retailer. Look for Underpants Made Out of Dead Skin Cells coming soon.

COPYING AND PASTING THINGS IN GERMAN EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT REALLY SAYS.

my new hobby is called COPYING AND PASTING THINGS IN GERMAN EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT REALLY SAYS.

it's actually listed in the national hobby archive (all be it at number 2,734, but we are ahead of nude soduku and folding up hats small enough to fit in your pocket).

there are dozens of web sites devoted to COPYING AND PASTING THINGS IN GERMAN EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT REALLY SAYS.

here is my latest piece...

Er kannte nicht nur die Namen der Filme, die hier gedreht wurden, sondern hatte sie wohl auch gesehen. Er kannte Metallica und Pink Floyd, die hier Videos gedreht haben, war also recht gebildet. Als er uns allerdings etwas von diversen heiligen Orten erzählen wollte, hab ich ihm auch mal meine Meinung gesagt. Diese Orte sind bekanntlich nur heilig, solange niemand etwas dafür bezahlt, auf heiligem Sand oder heiligen Buttes einen Film oder ein Video zu drehen. Für Geld wird einiges unheilig. Auch deshalb, weil die Navajos nicht, wie fast alle anderen Stämme, regelmässige Einnahmen aus Casinos haben. Nicht weil sie nicht dürften, sondern weil sie sich per Volksentscheid gegen das Glücksspiel entschieden haben. Würde wohl bei einer erneuten Umfrage nicht mehr vorkommen. Ein rotes Casino mitten im Tal würde auch recht gut aussehen.....
Die Geschichte von den seit Ewigkeiten friedliebenden Navajos hab ich ihm auch widerlegt, das kann er lieber räucherstäbchengegerbten New Age Jüngerinnen erzählen.
Aber ich schweife ab.

don't laugh. i'm still learning.

Let's Go National

last year's local "tell it like it is" day was a phenomenal success. this year, let's take it nationwide!

we'll call it the annual all-american "tell it like it is" day! or maybe THE 50 STATES PLUS PUERTO RICO AND ALASKA ANNUAL "TELL IT LIKE IT IS" DAY!

just imagine the whole country plus puerto rico and alaska telling it like it is! it will be so great.

let's sell t-shirts too. "i told it like it was on tell it like it is day" and "you've been told (like it is)"

and hats.

to go national we'll probably need to bring a celebrity on board. maybe a dick van patten or dick van dyke. anybody with the name dick would be good. or rosie o'donnel.

i really think we can make this happen. come on guys, this year let's tell it like it is like we've never told it before.

kate bush

i don't remember

i'll never forget