Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Undercover Stuntman


I'm an undercover stuntman. And a part-time grizzly bear.

I built a robot. And taught it how to "reach around."

I fought in the war "without a helmet."

I was a power ranger.

I was the stunt mustache for Burt Reynolds in Canonball Run Two.

I can tumble down the side of a mountain without breaking any bones.

I killed a ninja.

I wouldn't let let the doctors take my appendix out.

I drive a Mazarati that used to be leased to DMX's cousin.

I own a sandwich shop in conjunction with Matthew McConaughey.

I have an appropriate ballsack to penis ratio.

I slipped the maitre d' a twenty.

I capitalize appropriately.

My t-shirt fits snugly.

My pants are made from the finest Italian leather. Natural oils within the leather prevent chafing.

I am handsome.

I am the Great Dane of people.

So who are you to de-friend me on Facebook?

9 comments:

  1. you are one funny hytiof, funny funny.

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  2. I have an appropriate ballsack to penis ratio.


    ME TOO!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Amazing. Brilliant. Hilarious.


    I do not have an appropriate ballsack to penis ratio.

    The T in straugh is never capitalized but the T in T-shirt should be capitalized ... and perhaps that is your point, of sage of blog sages.

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  4. Anyone defriending Rollerfink on Facebook, HAS NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

    Fuck 'em, Finky, I still got your back.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I want to friend that guy in the picture. He is very Gordon.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Greg C.10:59 PM

    How does one determine proper ballsack to penis ratio? Or who determines it for them? Is it via committee? Is it a sausage party?

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  7. use this formula to determine your ballsack to penis ratio: tanh(x) = sinh(x)/cosh(x) = ( ex - e-x )/( ex + e-x ) where x = penis length and e = ballsack circumference

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  8. Greg C.1:13 PM

    "e = ballsack circumference"

    I think this might be a flaw in your formula as circumference doesn't take into account displacement or volume. "e" should probably = scrotum displacement in very hot wax. And an additional variable needs to be included for the 'principle of uncertainty' as it applies to where the scrotum ends and the shaft begins as well stray pubes.

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  9. oh no, I just re-calculated and I think I might have an inverted penis now.

    ReplyDelete

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