and i liked it

i found a cigarette and i smoked it. i kinda liked it. i'm glad i tried it. so i bought a pack and i smoked it. i didn't hide it. until i met a girl who would not abide it. she said if i smoked i couldn't ride it. so i said i quit then i smoked (a little bit) and when she asked i denied it. she opened up my mouth and smelled inside it. and that's a bit weird right? i mean she put her nose all up inside my mouth hole and i wanted real bad to just bight down on her nose but then i was all what if i bight her nose off, the blood would probably get all over my t-shirt and how would we explain it all in the emergency room. too much drama so i just said orble whorble like i was choking and then finally she took her snot garage out of my mouth and said something like smells like smoke down there. yeah well that's because i'm too legit to quit although i didn't actually say that i think i just said something like yeah, sorry and then she said she was serious because her father died of lung cancer or actually it was her uncle i guess but either way she said she hated cigarettes and so i said okay i really will quit. and i did but then things happened and by things i mean she did it with her tutor at the university and i was all oh come on i quit cigarettes for you and she was all yeah well you should have quit anyway and now it's been 19 years that i haven't had a cigarette and i didn't die of lung cancer and now actually i think people who smoke are kind of lame. like that guy outside the restaurant and he was just smoking right there and i said douchebag but to my friend not right to his face but he heard it because i did say it kind of loudly and then he punched me right in the guts. that's fair enough i guess. he probably likes it.

next wednesday

sometimes you have to write a story that is good or that isn't good just to get an idea out of your head. to stop it from infesting your brain. like the idea about a boy and a girl. the boy says i'm going to fuck you into next wednesday and the girl is all do you mean tomorrow or the following wednesday and the boy says well, tomorrow i guess because we're going to visit my mum on saturday and i probably shouldn't be fucking you all up in her house. and the girl rolls her eyes and the boy says what, come on, she's okay with you now, she likes you, i just think it would be disrespectful and the girl says yeah i'm calling bullshit on that because your mum hates me, i heard her telling your sister that i'm a scabby girl and i don't even know what a scabby girl is but i don't like the sound of it.

a scabby girl is a girl who has no class says the boy. just because i hold my fork in the wrong hand or whatever doesn't mean i have no class the girl says and plus your mum doesn't think i'm nice enough to you but i am. you should tell her how nice i am. like sometimes when we fuck i'm not that into it but i keep it going so that you can still have a good time and feel like you are man enough to satisfy me. you should tell her that.

what? says the boy. that's crap because you do like it otherwise why would you scream and that neighbour guy told me he can hear you sometimes when he's trying to watch the gossip show on tv. i know i do like it the girl says. it's just that, sometimes ... sometimes i wish your mother wouldn't be such a cunt all the time.

look, says the boy, that's my mum and i kind of wish you wouldn't call her a cunt because i hate being in the middle of it all. you should stand up for me sometimes says the girl. you should just talk to her yourself says the boy. she's really okay when you get to know her, when you figure out how she operates.

whatever says the girl, are you still going to fuck me into tomorrow? maybe just into about 11pm says the boy. i want to hit the gym in the morning.

jesus and the science girls

mary wanted jesus to study philosophy at the university but he wasn't hearing any of it. "come on mom, shit," he would say, "ain't no cute girls in philosophy." what he really meant was "ain't no science girls in philosophy" because it was the science girls who caught his eye. the lab coats, the glasses, the way they parted their hair down the middle. the science girls gave jesus a giant boner.

so jesus signed up for some chemistry and biology classes. he wore his "do you know jesus" t-shirt and told people he was pre-med. the science girls weren't that into jesus but he was persistent. he cured their diseases and did fancy tricks for them. he turned ethanol into wine and got them drunk. he made his disciples chant the periodic table while they rubbed the science girls' feet. eventually jesus grew on the science girls. they liked having him around. he was a good time guy. one of the science girls kissed jesus. another one let him cup her breast. jesus felt like he was making progress.

the next semester jesus signed up for an anatomy class. the class was loaded with science girls. his lab partner was a science girl. he wanted to do things with his lab partner. sexual things. he wanted to go all the way. but on the first day of class the teacher announced that they would be examining actual human dead bodies. students would be required to stick their fingers inside actual human dead bodies. the teacher said anybody who was not comfortable with that fact could withdraw from the class without penalty. jesus was not comfortable with that fact. but when another boy stood up and left the class all the science girls giggled in condemnation. jesus did not want to be condemned by the science girls.

so jesus decided to tough it out. he would close his eyes and pretend the bodies were sandwiches. but then the teacher wheeled the first actual human dead body into the classroom and the air quickly filled with the stench of formaldehyde. jesus vomited. the vomit splashed off a beaker on the table top and sprayed his lab partner's coat. he started to apologize but as soon as he opened his mouth he vomited again. this time the vomit landed on his lab partner's suede boots. suede boots are hard to clean.

word quickly spread and jesus became an outcast. some of the science girls pitied him. some of them were revolted by him. others thought he was a dick head.

jesus was embarrassed. he dropped out of the university and went to work for his dad. mary brought him a brochure for the local community college. "i don't need no stinking degree," he told her, "school is bunk."

then a few years later while he was out and about doing god's work, jesus came across his old anatomy lab partner. they struck up a conversation and chuckled about the suede shoes. the science girl apologized for treating jesus poorly. jesus apologized for vomiting on her expensive shoes. all was forgiven. but jesus knew he was never going to go all the way with the science girl. the moment had passed. she had a boyfriend now and he had a big speech to prepare. so jesus and the science girl went their separate ways, never knowing what might have been.

my hair is the greatest american hero

my hair is big and awesome and better than anything you've ever done with your life. i don't even know if it looks more awesome when i wake up in the morning or even more awesome after i have a shower and "do it." people literally, figuratively, and virtually jump up in the air and say wow when they walk past me (because they think my hair is really awesome). they give me high fives and say things like hey can you believe how awesome your hair is and i say yeah, i know, it's really awesome and then they say yeah, it is. i'm going to go and look at it right now.

today

if today was a girl i'd buy her lunch and take a bight, kiss her lips and hug her tight, hold her hand and write a song, forget the words and sing it wrong. if today was a girl she'd blow my mind and get undressed. she'd guide my hand right to her breast. then she'd stop and say let's save the rest. tomorrow is another day.

18

you're 18 and why are you so confident? in your voice and in your eyes i am 100 years older than you and still trying to fuck you for knowing what to do and who you are so fucking together when it took me all of my life and i'm not dead so you do the tony danza on that one. on a perfect day when the wind is blowing me and my hair is looking just how i like it and jonathan taylor thomas is right there ordering the same thing i just ordered and did he do it because i did or he likes it that way anyway it's one of those days which never happen to me but it's just a thursday for you and on friday you go to buy those pants and they're on sale for eight dollars and i have a headache. i didn't mean to tell you fuck you just now but see that's what i'm talking about because you walk around wearing that dress and smiling at people and they feel happy and i want to stab them in the face but not to kill them just to i don't even know because i'm watching tv and you're on there right now singing a duet with that guy and you look at him kind of sexy sideways and at the end he goes to give you a high five and instead you hug him. and you're 18 and you tell people things and they laugh at my moustache and i tell people things and they nod and then tell me the things you told them and i had a dream the other day that i was in a karate fight and i was wearing karate pajamas and i was winning but then the other guy said that isn't a real karate outfit those are pajamas and the crowd laughed and the guy kicked me in the head and i felt sad. you probably dream about motorbikes or outer space and i like that you exist i just don't know how and sometimes i wonder if people can smell my feet.