Thursday, October 08, 2009
jesus and the science girls
mary wanted jesus to study philosophy at the university but he wasn't hearing any of it. "come on mom, shit," he would say, "ain't no cute girls in philosophy." what he really meant was "ain't no science girls in philosophy" because it was the science girls who caught his eye. the lab coats, the glasses, the way they parted their hair down the middle. the science girls gave jesus a giant boner.
so jesus signed up for some chemistry and biology classes. he wore his "do you know jesus" t-shirt and told people he was pre-med. the science girls weren't that into jesus but he was persistent. he cured their diseases and did fancy tricks for them. he turned ethanol into wine and got them drunk. he made his disciples chant the periodic table while they rubbed the science girls' feet. eventually jesus grew on the science girls. they liked having him around. he was a good time guy. one of the science girls kissed jesus. another one let him cup her breast. jesus felt like he was making progress.
the next semester jesus signed up for an anatomy class. the class was loaded with science girls. his lab partner was a science girl. he wanted to do things with his lab partner. sexual things. he wanted to go all the way. but on the first day of class the teacher announced that they would be examining actual human dead bodies. students would be required to stick their fingers inside actual human dead bodies. the teacher said anybody who was not comfortable with that fact could withdraw from the class without penalty. jesus was not comfortable with that fact. but when another boy stood up and left the class all the science girls giggled in condemnation. jesus did not want to be condemned by the science girls.
so jesus decided to tough it out. he would close his eyes and pretend the bodies were sandwiches. but then the teacher wheeled the first actual human dead body into the classroom and the air quickly filled with the stench of formaldehyde. jesus vomited. the vomit splashed off a beaker on the table top and sprayed his lab partner's coat. he started to apologize but as soon as he opened his mouth he vomited again. this time the vomit landed on his lab partner's suede boots. suede boots are hard to clean.
word quickly spread and jesus became an outcast. some of the science girls pitied him. some of them were revolted by him. others thought he was a dick head.
jesus was embarrassed. he dropped out of the university and went to work for his dad. mary brought him a brochure for the local community college. "i don't need no stinking degree," he told her, "school is bunk."
then a few years later while he was out and about doing god's work, jesus came across his old anatomy lab partner. they struck up a conversation and chuckled about the suede shoes. the science girl apologized for treating jesus poorly. jesus apologized for vomiting on her expensive shoes. all was forgiven. but jesus knew he was never going to go all the way with the science girl. the moment had passed. she had a boyfriend now and he had a big speech to prepare. so jesus and the science girl went their separate ways, never knowing what might have been.