Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Human Remains

The machine on the table next to the bed uses its timing mechanisms, luminous digital display, and sound function to wake the human. It is 6:57a.m. on a Monday.

The human is awake now. He is remembering who he is. He is an angry and lonely man. He does not smell good and he must now get ready for work. The human works in an office where he does things. He interacts with other humans. He uses machines. He comes back home and does other things. And he goes to bed again and gets up and gets ready for work. If it is the weekend the human gets up and does different things.

The human looks at his reflection now in the mirror in the bathroom. He is naked. He says "I am Justin Bieber." He sucks his stomach in. He flexes his muscles. He tussles his hair. He tugs at his penis.

"I am Justin Bieber," he says again.

The machine on the table next to the bed does not know who it is. It does not feel any emotions. But it somehow senses that the human is full of shit. The machine laughs. 

The human returns to the bedroom. "What are you laughing at?" he asks the machine. The machine remains silent. The human is not sure if the machine was really laughing. In his experience machines do not generally laugh unless they were specifically designed to laugh.

The human returns to the bathroom and steps into the shower. It is too hot. The human yells at the shower, "I am Justin Bieber."

The shower laughs its fucking ass off.

"What are you laughing at?" asks the human. The shower is silent.

The human finishes washing his body, dries off with a towel, and puts on his Dockers and button-up business shirt. The shirt is pale yellow. He wears brown lace-up shoes with thick rubber soles.

The human toasts a bagel. "I am Justin Bieber," he says as he spreads cream cheese on the bagel. The toaster laughs at the human. The toaster's laugh is loud. The human is angry and he is worried. "I am Justin Bieber," he yells at the toaster.

The toaster loses its shit. It cannot control its laughter. The man wonders if he is losing his mind. He gets into his car and presses the button on the garage door opener. The garage door does not open. "God damn it," the man says. "I am Justin God Damn Bieber."

The garage door and the car laugh at the human. The laughter echoes throughout the garage.

The human wants to call somebody. He wants to tell people what is happening. "The machines are laughing at me," he wants to say. But the human does not have a wife or a girlfriend or children or close friends. He gets out of his car and catches the bus to work. He is 35 minutes late.

"You are 35 minutes late," says another human to the human.

"I am sorry," says the human. "My garage door is jammed."

"Fucking machines," says the other human.

The human sits down at his desk. He needs to enter a password to login to his computer. He does not want to enter his password. The human calls another human from the IT department.

"I want to reset my password," the human says.

"Why?" the other human asks.

"My computer will laugh at me," the human says, "if I enter my current password."

"Okay," says the other human. "All set. Your new password is welcome$1. You will need to change it when you login the first time."

"Thank you," the human says. 

The human logs into his computer. It prompts him to change his password. The human types IMB!EBER

The computer says "LOL" really loudly. "LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL." And then it says "ahahahahahahaha."

The human's telephone now loses its shit too. "hahahahah oh god," it says. "Jesus."

"I am Justin Bieber," the man shouts. He tips his chair over and pushes it with his thick rubber soled shoes out into the aisle next to his cubicle.

"Are you okay?" another human asks.

"Can you hear this?" the human says. "Can you believe these dumb machines?"

"I know, right?" says the other human.

"I am Justin Bieber," the human shouts.

The photocopier across the room bursts into laughter. The other computers, the phones, the elevator, all the machines in the office totally lose their shit. The laughter is deafening.

The human picks up his chair and returns it to its proper place. He sits in the chair. The computer is still laughing at him. Just totally laughing its ass off. The human remains in his chair and opens an Excel document. He sorts some data and makes a pie chart. He prints the pie chart out, makes 12 copies of it, and takes the papers with him into a meeting.

"Do you have the chart?" another human asks the human.

"Yes," says the human as he passes around the papers.


  1. i can relate so much. household machinery doesn't believe me either!

    i am CHER.


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