mustache etiquette with wilford brimley

wilford brimley knows a thing or two about mustaches. he has been widely accredited as the inventor of the modern mustache (although burt reynolds may claim otherwise) and he continues to be heavily involved (he's fat) in the often-times politically-charged machinations of the mustache industry.

the current resurgence in gentlemen's facial hair has brimley worried. can all these newbies (or mo-bies) handle the responsibilities that come with donning a mustache? will they represent the mustache community with the class it deserves? we spoke to brimley at his home in nevada and he shared a few tips for the newly mustached:

• do not comb your mustache at the dinner table
• do twirl the corner of your mustache when you are thinking about something
• do give a polite nod to other mastachioed fellows who you pass in the street
  
• do wink at ladies who admire your mustache
• do not eat crumbs out of your mustache unless you specifically remember where those crumbs came from
• do not watch any burt reynolds movies or appreciate his mustache in any way
• do stick to the "one moustache per couple" rule (whether you are gay or straight)
• do not use your mustache as collateral for a loan
• do not ridicule your friends if they cannot grow a full and hearty mustache ... mustaches are not for everyone
• do not compare your mustache to others. all mustaches are different and each one has its own interesting personality
• do lick your your mustache periodically throughout the day. it's fun to do and it also helps your mustache glisten in the sunlight
• do give your mustache a name 

p.s., check out that picture up there. the bi-focals in wilford's glasses are angled perfectly to give him a magnified view of his own mustache at all times