Thursday, August 20, 2009

never clone a clown

there was one clown. now there's two. i know. i have a little explaining to do. it started, well it started back in 7th grade. science class. we never did get to shank any frogs but one time fatso randazzo distributed pigs eyes to me and all my classmates. from a big sloppy bucket. and scalpels. and we were shown how to remove the cornea. step-by-step. we were not shown how to bash and mash the eyeballs with our textbooks. eyeballs are rock hard by the way. they do not squash. they do shoot out sideways from under your smashing instrument. anyway, that's when i decided to become a scientist. or roundabout then. i put a pig's cornea in my eye like a contact lens. it hurt pretty bad and i couldn't see anything. but it felt good. emotionally.

so a few years on i was at the university trying to invent time travel and robots and i couldn't quite figure it out and i should also mention that there was this girl. this girl was actually a woman. a woman of profound intelligence and she wore a lab coat and i wanted to squeeze her in the squeezy bits. i talked to her. this girl, this woman, and she talked to me and she told me that she wanted me to take my pants off, which i misconstrued for love.

have you ever noticed that girls in the lab always smell nice. it might be on account of how everything else in the lab smells like scorched nostrils or it could be that girls in the lab don't want to be the one girl in the lab who doesn't not smell like the boys in the lab. she smelled like licorice. black licorice and i wanted to taste her in the face. the reason i mention all this is because i spent a lot of time with her. this girl, this woman her name was doreen. that's another thing. girls with ugly names. i don't know what. maybe it's just the contrast between how awful their names are and how not awful everything else about them is.

anyway she was a cloner. tomatoes and ants and not dogs. the dogs are another story but actually the dogs are what ended her. and us in a way. there was a scandal and she moved and she left me standing there by myself. in the lab. cloning. just me and the science and okay there were a few other girls who smelled nice like i said but they didn't talk to me much. or they talked too much. you know how it is when you don't not like people but you also don't want to chat about things or tell them there is something in their teeth.

other people were cloning. in russia they cloned a polar bear. there was pressure. from the university and also there was a pharmaceutical company that gave me a grant and they said hey we are not paying you to eat girls in the face (i told them about doreen. i shouldn't have, i mean why would i, but i couldn't not). so i had to go big.

and just at that same time, a time when i was not good, things started to look up. my advisor heard about a lady who went to bali and came back with a mound of moving spider babies embedded in her cheeks. it wasn't true. an urban myth i suppose. but the guy who told my advisor about the lady with spiders in the face, he himself turned out to be a promising candidate. he was a clown. one of those clowns that you can hire for kids' parties and he wasn't good at it because he had this horn and it was way too loud and really irritating and all he did was blow the horn and say something and then blow it again.

anyway, the clown guy had twin girls and i guess both girls were dying from kidney disease and he was a match and so he gave each girl a kidney and they turned out to be just fine except for the fact that they had a clown for a dad and also their dad didn't have any kidneys anymore.

so the plan was to clone the clown and then, well i figured he would die anyway because what else can happen when you don't have any kidneys. but the plan was to clone him and make a little clown baby with the same dna and then it would maybe be a way for the twin girls to feel okay about killing their dad because they could raise their new dad as their son. or one of them could at least.

anyway it all worked out perfectly. we even injected the clown baby into one of the clown;s daughters and she grew him all up inside of her.

but this other girl in my lab, who admittedly did smell nice, i'm not lying about this phenomena, she snuck around behind my back and really put me in a tough position. for two reasons. firstly, it turns out you are not supposed to clone actual people. so there was that and i had to go to court and everything. but worse, she went and cloned one of the clown's kidneys from inside his daughter (the other one) and then gave the new one back to the clown. don't worry if you don't follow. cloning is a lot like time travel with all the paradoxes and everything it is nearly impossible to figure it all out.

so now the clown is all honking his stupid horn all over the place, healthy as a clown with one good kidney, and that damn lab girl is getting all the press. then of course the clown's daughter doesn't want the new clown because why would she when her dad is a-okay and also she liked to play tennis and kind of wanted to turn pro and thought a baby might be a bit of a hassle in that regard. so actually maybe a kid would be good for me in my life so i called the child protection agency and said oh hey and then i hung up on them because i realized that kid is going to turn out to be a clown just like his old man and i don't even really like clowns.

so now i have a lab in my garage. unaffiliated. unfunded. trying pretty hard to figure out time travel again. and robots.


  1. Oh, wow. I guess cloning the kidney does make more sense, considering. A clown is definitely the last thing I'd clone. Ever. I'm surprised you didn't go to jail. Next time clone something useful, like an accountant.

  2. i think i'd clone a donut. a clonut.

  3. Sned Schlongus3:11 PM

    i refuse to read this story. IT IS BULLSHIT!!! time travel was invented by the mormons. they used it to go back in time and turn jesus black. this is the horrible truth behind the civil rights movement. i am sorry you are such a liar.

  4. that is true, however there is more that meets the eye. you obviously never read the bible because in the part after the lepers give joseph the heebeejeebies there is a story all about how black jesus went back in time all over again and re-invented the mormons although this time they are robots. and robots can't lie because they are robots. so obviously it is NOT bullshit. you should read it (my story not the bible).


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