Thursday, June 09, 2011

If You Live in an Apartment You are Going to Die

He can see all of her teeth when she laughs. It's disgusting. Her name is Natalie and she is his girlfriend. He wonders if she is a monster. 

He is not a perfect man, of course. His name is Craig and in his life he has fingered a goat. He has just now confessed this shame to Natalie and her response is laughter -- loud, uncontrollable laughter.

Craig's acknowledgement of wrongdoing has taken place in the shower. And now, all of a sudden, he feels vulnerable. He is not comfortable with his body and he strongly believes he is about to be swallowed whole by Natalie's ugly and gigantic fish mouth.

He has lost control of the situation and his bowels.

"You are a beast," he blurts out. "A cunt-mouthed cartilaginous rabbitfish."

Natalie doubles over in pain from all the laughing.

"You've shit yourself," she says, as soon as her voice can crack through her oxygen starved throat and mouth.

Craig's water-thinned faeces now seep between the tiles on the floor of the shower, inching slowly toward the drain. The surface has become slippery and both Craig and Natalie collapse in a heap of wet people.

Craig's leg is twisted under Natalie's torso and the bone has snapped in two places. His screams waft and twist high above the shower as they are sucked into the fan like an upside down tornado. Natalie's laughter continues to pour down upon Craig's now broken body and person. 

Later that weekend, after the clean-up, after the hospital, Craig and Natalie attend an open house. Craig wears beige corduroy jeans and a well-fitted shirt. Natalie has cut the leg of his pants open so as to fit the cast. She wears a flowered summer dress. 

"You look good in yellow," Craig says to Natalie.

"This is the house we will buy and live in," says Natalie. "We will have children and be happy here."

Craig feels warm and with a chuckle he says "let's check out the shower first."

Natalie laughs once more, but this time Craig can only see a reasonable amount of teeth. Her mouth is beautiful and he wonders if she is an angel.


  1. Stop writing about me. Wait, no. Don't stop. Another gordony gordon piece of gordon with a little mettedu thrown in.

  2. if craig had gone all the way with the goat, this would have been an entirely different shitstorm. all or nothing.

  3. Excellent as always, rolley.

    I am voting for goat.

  4. It's better than the real world in which it happens in reverse... with more shit. Solid, RF.

  5. Don't stop. This is great.

  6. Thanks to everyone for your kind comments. I hope you guys don't live in apartments.

  7. Anonymous9:50 PM

    More goat. Please.

  8. i live in an apartment and i don't even care, this is so amazing <3


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