"I'm right now," Mason says to his girlfriend Joey (although he calls her Lawrence on account of she says "Whoa!" a lot).
"Right now you're being a dick," Joey says. "A limp dick with scabs on it. And gross balls."
"Hey, this is me, you know, this is Mason. This is who Mason is. Mr. Right Fucking Now!"
"You're not listening to me," says Joey, looking down at a recently uncrumpled piece of paper.
"Come on, not the list again," says Mason. "If you want to cram bullet points down my earholes why don't you just load up your daddy's gun and blast me dead right here in the Pizza Hut."
"If I thought it would get you to listen I would, trust me. Look, I know you've heard all of these points a hundred and one million times but I'm going to keep reading them to you until they sink in. This is important stuff Mason, excuse me, Mr. Right Fucking Now. This isn't just about you, this is about us."
"Here, let me save you some time," says Mason. "I can summarize that whole sheet of paper into five key action points:
- Mason needs to stop getting drunk all of the god damned time and vomiting on carpeted areas of the apartment and people
- Mason needs to clean up his vomit within a reasonable time frame of vomiting because by morning the stench is unbearable and the carpet has been ruined
- Mason needs to buy Lawrence some flowers once in a while and take her out to a nice restaurant and wear cologne but not Old Spice and seduce her instead of just mashing her tits around whenever he's horny
- Mason needs to stop calling Lawrence's friends cunts because if he actually had a conversation with them he would realize they are really smart and funny and cool
- Mason needs to completely change his personality to suit the whims of his dumb girlfriend who doesn't understand that he is always, and has always been, right now"
"Whoah!" says Joey.
"You know what Lawrence?" says Mason. "Tomorrow is a love song. And you're buying into that B.S. We, us, you and me, we are right here, inside of today. There is no tomorrow and I will never change for you."
"Whoah!" says Joey again.
"Right now," says Mason.
"That's bullshit," says Joey. "No tomorrow just means no consequences."
"No. No tomorrow means accepting and living what is now."
"Well accept and live this buddy," says Joey as she shoves a slice of pizza down Mason's pants.
"You know, you're not perfect either," says Mason as he fishes the pizza out and eats it.
Joey balls up her piece of paper and shoves it down Mason's throat.
"Eat shit," she says. "I'm going to stay at my folks' place tonight. And when I come back to the apartment tomorrow I want you to be gone."