Tuesday, June 21, 2011

"We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel

Billy has called the Quilton customer support hotline. He has called this number before and he knows that you can circumnavigate the interactive voice response system by pressing "0".

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Good morning, may I have your first name please?

Billy: Billy Joel

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Thank you Mr. Joel, My name is Veronica. I notice that you gave me your last name in addition to your first name. Would you prefer that I call you Mr. Joel.

Billy: I'm not sure, Billy is kind of childish I suppose, but it may feel more like I am talking to a friend if you call me Billy. But Mr. Joel probably commands more respect. Can you please hold on a moment.

A moment passes.

Billy: I'm back. You can call me Billy.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Thank you Billy. Can I have a contact number just in case we are disconnected during our call?

Billy: Yes. 0488-029-967

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Thank you Billy. May I ask why you are calling today?

Billy: It's regarding your Quilton Gold brand toilet paper.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: So just to confirm, you have a concern relating to the Gold line of toilet tissue.

Billy: Toilet paper.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Yes, here at Quilton we refer to our products as toilet tissue. Our research shows that people, especially those within our key demographic, have a negative association with toilet paper. They tend to find it boorish or uncouth. Vulgar even.

Billy: It is what it is. Can I ask what your key demographic is?

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: I am not permitted to be too specific but I will say that our products tend to appeal to the highly successful career woman.

Billy: I don't know how I feel about that. Is there some kind of user group? I feel like I would like to associate with some highly successful career women.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: There is a guest book on our web site at www.quilton.com.au. You can read other people's comments and add some of your own. It is moderated.

Billy: I'm not sure if that is really what I had in mind. I'll check it out though.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: So Billy, what can I do for you today?

Billy: Prior to purchasing the Quilton Gold toilet paper...

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Tissue

Billy: ... yes. I did a lot of research. I like to make informed decisions when making large purchases.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Do you consider toilet tissue to be a major purchase?

Billy: Yes. I buy a lot of toilet paper at one time.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Well, I like a man who knows his toilet tissue Billy.

Billy: Yes, well I read up on it on the Internet, chat rooms, message boards, etc and in Choice magazine and I looked at the information on the packaging and on each company's web site and I did a touch and smell test at the Supermarket and it was quite clear that Quilton Gold was the one for me.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: What did you like most about the Gold line?

Billy: It is everything a toilet paper should be really. Soft, smooth, durable. And the fragrance is appealing but not overpowering in any way.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: So it sounds like you have found the right toilet tissue for you Billy. What's worrying you about this purchase?

Billy: As soon as I started using the Quilton Gold I experienced a small amount of chafing. I applied various creams and balms and salves but over the weeks it has deteriorated to the point where it is very uncomfortable. I can't wear pants. I can't not wear pants. I can't walk or sit or sleep. It is really ruining my life.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: That sounds like a real problem Billy and I will do everything I can to resolve this for you today. Just to make sure I am hearing you correctly, are you saying that you believe the Gold line is causing your bottom to chafe?

Billy: Yes. There is chafing right around my anus and it spreads about a quarter of the way up each cheek. The skin is very irritated.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Are you rough with the tissue Billy?

Billy: Excuse me?

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: When you wipe, do you really dig in and scrub around? Do you apply a lot of pressure to the tissue and grind it all the way into your anus? 

Billy: No, not really. I try to be quite gentle but I do keep going until I get all of the gunk out.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Good, that sounds like you are an average wiper and I think we can rule out abrasive wiping technique as a cause of your problem.

Billy: It's quite red, too. And extremely itchy.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: I'm sure it is. You should try not to scratch, though. It will just make things worse. Have you introduced any other products to your buttock or anal areas in recent weeks? New brand of underpants, lubricating jelly, lotions, or anything similar?

Billy: No, not that I can think of. Oh, I did buy a new leather office chair for my computer.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Do you generally wear pants at your computer? Stop me if I am being too personal Billy.

Billy: Yes, I usually wear pants. Sometimes I, well I feel like my bum is always covered while I am sitting in the chair.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Are you allergic to anything Billy?

Billy: I am allergic to bee stings. My arms and legs swell up and I get itchy all over.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Can you hold for a moment Billy? I'm just going to check our allergen database.

Billy: Okay

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Okay, thanks for holding Billy. We might be onto something here. There is nothing officially documented by our product design or science divisions but it looks like there have been three or four isolated incidences that sound a lot like your chafed bottom. And it says here that all of them have reported bee allergies. It could be a reaction to the fragrance.

Billy: I'm not sure how to feel about that. I did a lot of research. My garage is full of Quilton Gold. I can't even park my car in there.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: What kind of car is it Billy? 

Billy: It's a Honda Odyssey. Minivan.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: That's a big car Billy. Do you have kids?

Billy: Oh, no. I just, you know. You can take the seats out and I buy in bulk a lot, so.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Oh yes, of course.Well Billy, you have been very patient on the phone with me today. I'm going to consult with my manager about our little situation here and we'll find you a Quilton line that does not cause your bottom to chafe.

Billy: I look like a monkey.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: I'm sure that's not true Billy. We'll find the right tissue for you and I'll make sure you get every single roll replaced. We won't be satisfied until your bottom has been returned to its former glory.

Billy: That's very sweet of you Veronica. You are the nicest customer service person I have ever spoken to. Are you married?

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: I'm not married Billy. 

Billy: Do you think maybe you'd like to grab a coffee sometime?

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Billy I might just remind you that this call may be recorded for training purposes. On a side note, as soon as your new shipment of toilet paper is authorised I will call you personally to arrange a delivery time.  

Billy: Yes, thank you Veronica.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: Okay Billy, it has been a pleasure talking with you today. Have I resolved the issue to your complete satisfaction?

Billy: Yes, thank you.

Quilton Customer Resolution Specialist: That's good to hear. Have a great morning Billy. I'll be speaking to you soon.

Billy: Good bye.


  1. hahaha. This is awesome, Benjamin. I really enjoy this.

  2. aussie tp is barbaric.

  3. I like a man who knows his toilet tissue Billy.


    Thank you for this Rollerfink.

  4. Thanks folks. @gamefaced: the TP is the same, it's just that we have very delicate bottoms.


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