Wednesday, January 20, 2010

arson



whenever she meets a man she asks him a simple question. "if you were a criminal, what kind of criminal would you be?"

that's how she screens the freaks out.

"a bank robber" is what the boring ones say.

"an arsonist" one guy says. "i would burn things down to the ground. buildings. buildings with people in them. buildings with old people in them. i would burn all the old folks down to the ground."

"i'd be a rapist" another guy admits. "not the bad kind. not vicious or violent. i would date rape girls and they wouldn't even really know about it. i would poison them with ghb and then wait until they were asleep and then i would make love to them under their skirts and underpants. i would rape them."

"murderer" another guy says, a little bit too quickly. "with a knife and i would stab it into my wife's face and into her body." she didn't know he was married.

"i would speed in my car," one man says. "past the cops and i would just keep on going. faster and faster and they wouldn't catch me or if they did i would get out and run into the woods or into somebody's backyard."

these are all men she did not date.

"jay walker."

"i'd send e-mails to people and tell them about giant penises and ask them to send money and i would send thousands and thousands and thousands of e-mails and even if only a couple of hundred people sent me money it would be worth it."

"mugger."

"i'd punch people right in their nads or in their noses."

"vandal. i would throw bricks into windows and on top of toilets and bash televisions in with a baseball bat."

these men she did not date either.

"a thief. i'd steal fedex boxes from people's doorsteps and open them up like it was christmas day."

she went to dinner with that guy and a movie but things didn't work out. he smoked and there just wasn't any chemistry i guess.

"polygamist."

"trespasser."

"stalker."

no, no, no.

"tax cheat."

no.

"drug dealer."

no.

then finally, a man, a handsome man, says "a criminal? no, i wouldn't be a criminal." and she says, "just answer the question" and he says "okay, i guess i'd be a ...."

but she cuts him off and says "no, don't tell me. i don't want to know."

7 comments:

  1. mattress tag ripper-offer.
    live dangerously - get laid.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I file my taxes late.

    ReplyDelete
  3. He would have been a scofflaw.

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  4. arson would be incredible fun.

    buildings empty of humans, however.

    ReplyDelete
  5. yes, arson!

    (but really i'd be a bank robber)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm already a criminanl.

    ReplyDelete

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