Thursday, January 28, 2010
die in a hole
i want you to go and die in a hole. i don't want you to scream or complain. i don't want it to be a hassle. i just want you to go away and die.
i will visit your hole after you die. i will walk around the edges of the hole and i will look down inside it. i will confirm that your lifeless body is rotting in the hole.
i will be careful not to lose my footing and fall into the hole. i do not want to land on top of you. i do not want your decomposing skin to get on my clothes and in my hair. it probably wouldn't smell good. my pants are dry clean only.
when your mother asks for you i will hang up the phone. when she calls again i will tell her that you are gone. she will cry and i will say "i don't know."
i will come home from work and talk to you and then i will remember that you have died in a hole. i won't talk to anybody.
i will sleep on your side of the bed. i can't sleep on your side of the bed. i will roll over and sleep on my side of the bed. i will look at your pillow and your head will not be smooshed up in it. i will think about that day in the snow and in the sunshine. you said it wasn't a snow man. it is just a big blob with a carrot in it. it's a snow blob with a penis. i will laugh about that day and then i will cry.
in the morning i will make too much oatmeal for breakfast. i will squeeze honey on the top in the shape of a heart and i will not eat it. i will leave it on the table and i won't be able to throw it away.
at work daryl will ask me where we were last night. i will think about slamming daryl's head into the printer. i will tell him that you are gone. i will tell him "i don't know." i will go back to my desk and i will look at that picture and think about that night at the christmas party. that was when you had short hair. i won't be able to get any work done.
i will get in my car and drive and i will say "e.t. phone home" and the car robot will dial our house phone. your voice will tell me that we are not home. i will park the car on the side of the road. i will look at trucks and cars and think maybe one of them will veer out of their lane and crash into me. i will think about dying.
i will come home and it will be dark. i will open the fridge door and leave it open and i will sit in the rectangle of light on the floor and eat cheese. i will wake up in the morning on the kitchen floor and the milk probably won't be any good.
i will get back in my car and i won't go to work. i will drive to the beach and think about that day. you got hit by that wave and you swallowed the water and you laughed so hard and you vomited in the beach. i tried to swish it around before anybody else could see. people don't want to swim in somebody else's vomit. you laughed again and we ate grapes because you always bring grapes to the beach.
i will take my suit off and i will swim in the beach in my underwear. my boxers have my name across the band at the top and i don't know where you got them. they are really comfortable. i will be lonely swimming in the beach. i will go under water and cry and when i come back up i will wish that you did not go away and die in a hole.
i will build a sandcastle and i will lay on top of it and i will dare the sun to burn me in my skin.
i will go back to your hole and i will look down inside of it and your body will be gone.