i ain't afraid of no ghost

aw, i ain't no kid. i've lived a thing or two in all these years. i've seen some shit go down. sharks tearing through human flesh like it was pancakes. men doing things men are not supposed to do. wars. streets. children with no shoes or toes. babies birthing babies half the size of they own self. blue thunder starring roy scheider. shit. depravity. i'm just sayin' that's where i'm comin' from when i tell you this story. i'm not a soft man. i ain't afraid of no ghost.

but this was somethin' else. their faces. bear faces. just imagine heads bigger 'an that kid on dawson creeks. teeth with gaps wider than tori spelling's cleavage. ugly. and taller than a mexican on stilts. but looks like a human not like an animal. arms and hands and legs but the way they move wasn't like no humans i ever seen. not like in the movies neither. them aliens in the movies they move like robots or like girls on the rag and they running but these aliens, oh i shoulda warned you. this story about aliens.

i had a gun on account of i was huntin' back there in the woods. just me an that's why nobody can verify what i'm tellin' you but i was there and i seen it and that's gotta be good enough because i ain't got no reason. no gains to tell you what i'm tellin' you unless lookin' foolish gets you rich someways, which i guess it does but no matter.

so it was lights comin' down and no spaceships or close encounters or e.t. type bullshit. just lights bright and sharp enough to burn a vagina into a marine like a laser but all over everywhere. blinding but i kept my eyes open 'n i saw the beasts materialize outter the lights. came out growlin' too and i didn't wait for nothin' i just started shootin' my gun right at those man beasts 'cause i know when somebody means somethin' and they meant somethin' from jump street.

bullets didn't do nothin' or i'll tell you i mighta not even hit 'em 'cause half the time i can't even hit no deers and they kept disappearing into thin air and reappearing right somewhere else. if it was a movie it would be george clooney in a suit and a bear mask and i'd be played by jamie foxx or jason bateman or john stamos someone who's a nice guy but who could fight dirty if his misses is gettin' raped in the alley. oh yeah, those bear face aliens were wearing suits. how do you like that shit. suits like they gonna fit in and then bear faces right on the top of it. some dumb aliens. then one come right up to my face like he gonna eat it for lunch and he says "we like 'em fat" and i says "well you come to the right place brother 'cause they all fat round here."

an he says "no i mean p.h.a.t. phat" an i says "that don't make no sense" and he looks sad like he was trying and it wasn't good enough and we went on and gassed for an hour or so and he was okay. i says "why you come at me like a devil in church and i coulda killed you with my bare knuckles" and outta nowhere he breaks out a mr. kotter impersonation and then he says "whazzup" like them kids in that beer commercial a few years back. i says to him "what the fuck is wrong with you? we were having a good conversation about life and love and global warming and then you bring this shit" and then i say "why you even here?" and he says he heard that the greatest american hero got cancelled and he wants to talk to some folks to see if he can get it back on the air. what the fuck? right. so then i tell him that's been off the box since a long time and he goes batshit like he's really gonna do some damage but he doesn't actually touch nothing but the trees.  

then i tell him about some of the other shows that he might like but he's seen 'em all and nothin' else matches up to the greatest american hero. then just like they came they go again and then on the news yesterday i seen that william katt has disappeared. so that's why i'm here, that's why i'm tellin' you this. they done went and kidnapped william katt. that's what i'm sayin' and that's what i believe to be true.