instructions for everything

if you have something that is broken, then these instructions can help you FIX IT. it doesn't matter what is broken . . . a TV, a relationship, a promise . . . because these are the INSTRUCTIONS FOR EVERYTHING.

1. power everything down
   
   
2. unplug and disconnect the modem
   
   
3. open the modem (some of them are not designed to be opened so you may need a hammer or strong teeth and agile wrists)
   
   
4. make sure the yellow urntz cable is connected to the hip socket
   
   
5. jostle the replicator drive
   
   
6. flip the jump switch
   
   
7. switch the flip jump
   
   
8. adjust the loop speed
   
   
9. set the kink limits to 1200 and 56000 respectively
   
   
10. make a sandwich
    
    
11. close the modem (use duct tape if the casing is cracked or put it all in an empty bread bag if the casing is obliterated)
    
    
12. eat your sandwich
    
    
13. draw a picture of howie mandell waterskiing in the nude
    
    
14. call your best friend and tell him/her that your new best friend is a picture of howie mandell waterskiing in the nude
    
    
15. power everything up (PC>router>modem)
    
    
16. go to a DOS prompt and ping the bounce node
    
    
17. type: 10 print “i’ve got a boner” 20 goto 10 run
    
    
18. tell it like it is
    
    
19. dig a hole in your back yard and bury the picture of howie mandell waterskiing in the nude
    
    
20. call your best friend back and say "gotcha"
    
    
21. exit DOS
    
    
22. go to http://www.mechanicallyseparatedpork.com and download the N35V2a1 driver
    
    
23. try and remember if you have any coke in the fridge. if you don’t, think about how great it would be to have a coke right now
    
    
24. set your network hover rate to 9.6 baud
    
    
25. change your screen refresh rate to something different than what it is now
    
    
26. divide everything by 12
    
    
27. give up