Thursday, September 03, 2009

instructions for everything

if you have something that is broken, then these instructions can help you FIX IT. it doesn't matter what is broken . . . a TV, a relationship, a promise . . . because these are the INSTRUCTIONS FOR EVERYTHING.
  1. power everything down

  2. unplug and disconnect the modem

  3. open the modem (some of them are not designed to be opened so you may need a hammer or strong teeth and agile wrists)

  4. make sure the yellow urntz cable is connected to the hip socket

  5. jostle the replicator drive

  6. flip the jump switch

  7. switch the flip jump

  8. adjust the loop speed

  9. set the kink limits to 1200 and 56000 respectively

  10. make a sandwich

  11. close the modem (use duct tape if the casing is cracked or put it all in an empty bread bag if the casing is obliterated)

  12. eat your sandwich

  13. draw a picture of howie mandell waterskiing in the nude

  14. call your best friend and tell him/her that your new best friend is a picture of howie mandell waterskiing in the nude

  15. power everything up (PC>router>modem)

  16. go to a DOS prompt and ping the bounce node

  17. type: 10 print “i’ve got a boner” 20 goto 10 run

  18. tell it like it is

  19. dig a hole in your back yard and bury the picture of howie mandell waterskiing in the nude

  20. call your best friend back and say "gotcha"

  21. exit DOS

  22. go to and download the N35V2a1 driver

  23. try and remember if you have any coke in the fridge. if you don’t, think about how great it would be to have a coke right now

  24. set your network hover rate to 9.6 baud

  25. change your screen refresh rate to something different than what it is now

  26. divide everything by 12

  27. give up

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