how to lose 100 pounds in 24 hours

stop being so fat and disgusting! it's easier than ever with the "how to lose 100 pounds in 24 hours" diet. follow these simple instructions and you'll be squeezing those ham legs of yours into your skinny jeans in no time. or in 24 hours actually.

1. eat absolutely anything you want (except food). i know, this sounds too good to be true but it really works. even though eating everything you want (except for food) sounds great, the truth is most things that are not food are very hard to eat (due to their size or taste or general durability). you'll find yourself not even wanting to eat things that are not food.
   
   
2. stop brushing your teeth! toothpaste is loaded with hidden calories.
   
   
3. stop hating on "fad" diets. the tv news has it in for fad diets but let's face it, fads are usually pretty cool ... remember leg warmers? so why would fads be bad all of a sudden just because they are helping you to be not so fat and disgusting
   
   
4. think positive! this is the key to losing weight. use positive affirmations like "maybe i won't be so fat and disgusting if i lose loads of weight" or "i am so fat and disgusting, i need to lose about 100 pounds"
   
   
5. visualize. athletes use this technique all the time and it can really work when trying to shed those pounds. picture yourself balling up a pizza and squeezing it into the middle of a donut and then eating it.
   
   
6. stop trying to figure out why you eat so much. it really doesn't matter if you eat because you are lonely, or if you eat when you are stressed or tired, or if you use food as a replacement for love. don't waste time fixing the underlying cause ... just stop being so fat and disgusting.
   
   
7. get your body moving! diet is only half the equation. if you really want to lose weight you need to get your body into motion. don't waste energy on exercise though ... all you need to do is get the molecules inside your body into motion, and you can do that with a long car ride. or even better, take a flight somewhere. if you are really poor in addition to being fat and disgusting then you can just roll about in your bed.
   
   
8. make friends with people who are even fatter and more disgusting than you. weight is relative.
   
   
9. replace fatty snacks with anger. instead of reaching for that chocolate bar try socking somebody in the guts. it will release the same level of serotonin into your brain so you will feel equally satisfied.
   
   
10. just stop being so fat and disgusting!

good luck everybody! be sure to come back here to share your success stories.